The Idiot Who Ruined My Backyard

So a couple years back, my landlord, who is 107, decides that he needs some help around the house. Of course he doesn't want to have to spend any money or anything, so he goes out and finds this ridiculous homeless dude to look after him from time to time (not really seeing the logic in this either). Anyway, this winner, who at least knows a good thing when he sees it, immediately takes my landlord up on his offer and proceeds to wreck my life. Now mind you, we live in a duplex, so I now have to deal with this indigent fool every single day of my life since he lives on my ceiling.

Besides having about twelve different identities and no practical method of supporting himself (my wife calls him a stay-at-home actor), the idiot has decided that it is his mission in life to spend his days feeding every stray pigeon in Los Angeles at least six pounds of birdseed daily (instead of taking care of my landlord). So when this guy isn't pretending he is a hitman, or a detective, or a U.S. citizen, he is out in my backyard, turning the place into his own miniature version of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.


The shoes of the idiot are some jive-ass slippers indeed. These have been sitting outside for at least three years. They used to be white.


To make this story even more colorful, my landlord used to host swinger parties back in the day! At some point, he decided to "erect" this structure and its evil twin on the hill behind our house. Complete with beds hanging from chains and mirrored ceilings, these low-rent love shacks were undoubtedly the must-have accessory for any swinger pad worth its salt in 1974.

He even tried to start a "home improvement" company to market these boink boxes at one time. He amusingly referred to the two prototypes in my backyard as "Gladiator Huts" in his company literature. It just dawned on me that this may have been a clever play on words. In any case, this was just one of the many shady business operations he masterminded during his life, and like everything else he ever attempted, this proved itself a dismal failure. But at least he chose some colors that are aesthetically pleasing.


Just a small sampling of the three or four hundred plastic jugs of "fresh" water the idiot is stockpiling in our backyard. Why, you ask? "Dis wader is incase da earthquake comes I can give the birds."

This practice also prompted a call to the health department, since it is also providing a prime breeding ground for mosquitos carrying the West Nile Virus, even though the idiot insists that he "put fresh wader in da jugs EVERYDAY." Yeah, right. Not to mention of course that three seconds after the earthquake comes, most of these lidless jugs will have spilled out their contents all over the dead grass, making this whole effort entirely pointless.


No, this is not the 4077th. This is my backyard. Glad to see the birds get to live
rent free in Silver Lake, CA in these deluxe accomodations.


The idiot sleeps here. There is no plumbing or power, but at least he has a phone.


The pigeons version of the obstacle course from "Almost Anything Goes."


"I pud da jugs under da table. Noboddy can see them!"


What is left of our poor tree now since the idiot decided that it was about to fall
on the shed while he was sleeping (let us pray). At least he saved the remnants,
in case he decides that he wants to re-assemble the tree at a later date.


That's right. Just take in all of the grandeur. The flipped over flower
pots had spiders under them that he was afraid to kill.

2005 UPDATE: After begging the Code Enforcement people to come inspect our pad, they finally stopped by and were shocked at what they saw! Basically, the idiot has 40 days to re-wire our entire unit, remove the budgie farm in the backyard, and replace our unventilated circa 1941 ceramic-element gas wall heaters. I'm guessing he won't do anything, but we'll see how it goes.

If he ignores the city's request, we could end up paying rent to the city at a 50% reduction until he fixes everything. After three years of virtual inactivity, here's hoping he doesn't suddenly find any motivation to start fixing up the place now.

REVENGE OF THE IDIOT

So after being chewed out for over an hour about the condition of our place (especially about the home for wayward pigeons in our backyard), apparently all the idiot was able to retain from the whole ordeal was "birds." Here is a new annex to the Los Angeles Zoo aviary that the idiot is building in our backyard (fully permitted, of course).


Blends right in with the surroundings. I can hardly notice it at all.


"Look--it is almost as tall as the tree I chopped down!"


Just think of how many birds he can stuff into this thing...

For the latest pics, go here