The Defiant Salmon

North Korean Nuke Test Worries Bush

Sam L. Parity — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 13:06:00 +0000

Washington, DC--Today's announcement that North Korea has successfully tested one of their nuclear weapons has prompted George Bush to question when we last tested our own.

"I remember seeing those films in high school science with the mushroom clouds and the melting trees, but they were in black and white," noted Bush.

"We haven't had black and white for years!"

"I know we dropped a couple of 'em on the Japs during dubya dubya two and they sure worked, but that was way back in the '70s when I was still boozing it up," added the president. "Maybe we need to make sure that they haven't gone all gone bad by now."

President Bush's military advisor, Marshall Islands, was quick to assure the president that our nuclear weapons were kept in a constant state of readiness and that he could count on them to protect the United States in the event of attack.

"We might have a couple duds in the bunch," said Islands, "but it is not like we need to go around tapping the warheads with ball-peen hammers to make sure they are still operational."

Still, President Bush is suggesting that we "drop one or two of those nukeuler deals somewhere just to make sure that North Korea knows we still mean business."

"Maybe a couple could accidentally fall out of a plane over Pyongyang or something. 'Cause I remember hearing about nuclear fallout back at Yale--we could just blame the whole thing on that!"

Iraq To Be Split Into Thirds; Citizens Told To Choose Sides

Sam L. Parity — Sun, 08 Oct 2006 22:48:00 +0000

Washington, DC--In a stunning announcement this morning, General Tommy Franks outlined our government's plan to divide war-torn Iraq into three separate regions, or "zones," each with a distinct flavor and personality. "The citizens of Iraq will have 90 days to move into one of these zones, assuming of course that they have the means to travel safely without military escort. If not, we will draw the lines anyway in three months and make the choice for them."

The decision on where to live is expected to be based on each family's religious preferences, political affiliations, and their ability to tolerate endless re-runs of "Hannity and Combs." At press time, the three designated zones were identified as NeoConistan, Colbertia, and The Republic of Oprah.

NeoConistan, which is expected to be the most sparsely populated region, will also be the most heavily fortified. Nobody will be allowed entry into NeoConistan unless they can recite the titles of Ann Coulter's last three books at will while humming "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic."

On the other hand, Colbertia will be occupied by those citizens who are so distraught over the poor condition of their beloved country, that they have taken refuge in dark humor satire as a last resort to ease their suffering. Residents of this area will be treated to nightly broadcasts of "Hurry Up, He's Dead," a Dubai-based television series that chronicles the hilarious misadventures of Saayed, the last living Iraqi citizen.

Finally, those looking to escape into a land of self-empowerment will likely head for The Republic of Oprah, which will feature daily giveaways and tips to make the "best out of a bad situation." Citizens of The Republic of Oprah will be told repeatedly that they can "have it all," including a career, a family, and a happy homelife, even if the infrastructure of their country has been bombed back to the Stone Age, and the power only stays on for thirty to forty-five minutes per day.

ABC Cancels "Lost" After Entire Audience Gives Up On Series

Sam L. Parity — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 04:57:00 +0000

Hollywood, CA--After a particularly confusing season premiere, the entire audience of the popular ABC televison adventure Lost threw their hands up in collective frustration after they refused to invest another moment of their time trying to figure out "just what the hell is really going on" with this show.

After the Neilsen rating organization reported that they could only identify four viewers who sat through the whole episode last Wednesday night, the network had no choice but to shut down production and pull the series from their fall lineup.

Avid TV watcher Glenn O'Dell gave us a rundown of last night's episode--at least as much as he was able to make sense of from the whole confusing mess. "Apparently, Sawyer, Jack, and Kate have been locked up all summer in some underwater dungeon that belongs to the Dharma Initiative--whatever that is! They spent the whole episode trying to escape their imprisonment, which is pointless, because they have no idea where they are and they are on a frickin' island anyway!"

"Frankly, at this point, I could care less," said O'Dell. "I hope they all die. Instead, I'm going to concentrate my efforts this year on figuring out why Dancing With The Stars doesn't seem to have any actual stars on the show.

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Socially Conscious Man Assembles His Own iPods In The Garage

Sam L. Parity — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 16:59:00 +0000

Pasadena, TX--Journeyman electrician and social activist Isaac Leibowitz can claim that he owns one of the few iPod Nanos made in the United States, because he actually put it together himself!

"I was reading about the oppresive conditions in the Chinese factories that produce the iPod, and wanted to do something to help the workers overseas," said Leibowitz. "So I tracked down the suppliers of all of the components of the new iPods, and placed an order for the parts to be sent to my home."

Leibowitz admits that "it took me a while to figure out how everything went together, but I have a couple working models now. Also, I tried to get my wife to help out as well, but she just kept burning herself with the soldering iron."

"My kids were not much help either," added Leibowitz. "Little Timmy installed the screen upside down, and put the headphone jack on the bottom. Oh, wait, it does go on the bottom."

"Shit. Now I have to start all over again."

Leibowitz's version of the iPod Nano is not cheap either. "Ordering all the parts separately just about quadruples the price," said the electrician. "But I think I can keep the price of the 4 gig Nano under a thousand bucks, if I don't charge for my labor."

"Besides, this is all about taking responsibility for the impact we have on the world around us. And who could possibly want to put a price on that?"

For more astute social commentary, visit marilyncarolyn.com!

Local Man Spends Day Off Online Waiting For Direct Deposit To Post To Account

Sam L. Parity — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 16:06:00 +0000

Burbank, CA--Local phone sales representative Elton Riggles is embarrassed to admit that he spent the better part of his day on Saturday patiently waiting for evidence of his direct deposit to show up in his bank account.

"At my last telemarketing job, they just paid cash," said Riggles, "but sometimes I lost it on the way to the bank. Well, OK, I lost it at the bar on the way to the bank."

"But, this time, my new employer said that my paycheck would be directly deposited into my account. I thought it was nice of them to offer to drive down to the bank and give them my check, but then this lady in the payroll department explained that this was all done through electronics."

Riggles mentioned that he initially took the job because they told him that they paid "bi-weekly," which he assumed meant that he got paid twice a week.

"I thought that was really cool, because usually by the middle of the week, I am like totally out of cash anyway."

After the payroll department straightened out the misunderstanding, they encouraged Riggles to set up an online bank account, so he could take advantage of the direct deposit program.

"They told me I was getting paid on the 30th, so I figured I would check to see if the money was there when I woke up," said Riggles. "When I saw my balance was still like forty-three cents, I figured it hadn't."

"Long story short, I ended up spending most of the afternoon in my pajamas sitting in front of the computer waiting to get paid! Finally, I called the bank, and they told me they don't update the site on the weekend."

"I felt kind of dumb after that."

Riggles is thinking of going back to his old job, which "kind of sucked, but at least I got my money when they said I would get it."

Why Isn't The Government Telling Us More About DHMO?

Sam L. Parity — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 14:45:00 +0000

Normally, The Defiant Salmon, stays away from "hot-button" issues and likes to concentrate on the light-hearted side of celebrity news and gossip. But one of our reporters has uncovered something that is shaping up to be one of the biggest government cover-ups in recent history, and as concerned global citizens, we felt compelled to report on this.

Dihydrogen Monoxide, or DHMO, is a regulary-used chemical component of various products ranging from fire retardants to industrial solvents. It is also used in many foods we purchase daily, including baby food, soups, and beer.

However, recent research has uncovered many dangers associated with this commonly-used additive, and people exposed to this substance could be at risk of suffering tissue damage, severe burns, and even death if a large enough quantity is ingested.

Obviously, more information needs to be compiled before we really know what is at stake here. But the fact that we hear almost nothing about this topic in the media today scares us almost as much as the DHMO itself.

So why is the government hiding this from us? Could it be that they know something that we don't?

The truth will come out here, ladies and gentlemen. It is only a matter of time.

Find more facts about DHMO on this informative site.

Dancing With The Stars Uses The Term "Stars" Loosely

Sam L. Parity — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 03:43:00 +0000

A consumer watchdog group has taken ABC to task for the severe lack of any recognizable talent on this year's season of Dancing With The Stars.

Instead of being a who's who of Hollywood royalty, it is more like a who's that this year," said Christy Weedbrock, a spokesperson for the Alliance for Television Fairness.

"Really, I can't place half of them, and I watch a lot of TV."

The popular ABC series pairs professional ballroom dancers with celebrity counterparts in an elimination-style dance contest. In the past, the show has featured such Tinseltown luminaries as Rachel Hunter, Tatum O'Neal, and George Hamilton.

This year, however, the Alliance for Television Fairness claims that ABC has taken liberties by using the word "stars" in the title. "The only one I kind of recognize is that Mario Lopez, who I think used to be on that all-male version of The View with Dick Clark," said Weedbrock.

"I think that Harry Hamlet guy might have been on that show L.A. Law, but it was on so long ago I can't remember anymore."

ABC has already announced that this will be the final season of "Stars." Even the network execs admit that they have trouble keeping a straight face when they mention the name of the show.

In its place, the network is developing a project called "Resting With the Elderly Stars" that will replace the current show next fall.

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Oprah "One Step Closer" To Monopolizing Every Spare Second Of Our Day

Sam L. Parity — Wed, 27 Sep 2006 02:57:00 +0000

Chicago, IL--Oprah Winfrey, a true leviathan of the entertainment industry, has come one step closer to realizing her dream of inundating the public with non-stop 24/7 Oprah-generated content.

In a last-minute press conference, Oprah announced yesterday that she was debuting a new cable channel that would feature a live feed transmitted directly from her bedroom that will mainly show images of her sleeping peacefully through the night.

The new channel, tentatively titled "Oprah: Zzzzzzzz," joins the recently announced "Oprah & Friends" program on XM satellite radio, Oprah's "O" magazine, and her long-running daytime talk show on network TV.

"Oprah: Zzzzzzzz" will focus solely on Oprah's nightly choice of sleepwear, midnight snacks, and the assortment of stuffed animals (and the occasional on-again, off-again boyfriends) that share her bed every evening.

"We're not going to show any dirty stuff or anything," says Oprah, "because, frankly, there isn't much to show. I just thought that many of my viewers would feel better knowing where I was at all times."

"Besides," added Winfrey, "my tight schedule only allows for 30-45 minutes of sleep every night. The rest of the programming on the channel will be comprised of a designer-colored test pattern with the 'Harpo Productions' logo on it."

"If my fans complain, I'll just mail 'em all new iPods or something. That will shut them up quick!"

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Ozzy Osbourne Announces Retirement In Wake Of Chavez's Comments To U.N.

Sam L. Parity — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 13:31:00 +0000

Beverly Hills, CA--Aging demonic rocker Ozzy Osbourne has announced his retirement from the music business in the wake of comments recently made by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez describing George Bush as a "racist, imperialist devil."

"All my life, people have called me 'The Prince of Darkness,' even me mum," said Osbourne in a recent press gathering at his Beverly Hills estate.

"It kind of takes some of the sting out of it now that they are calling President Bush that as well."

Osbourne is referring to a speech made yesterday to the U.N. general assembly by Chavez where he called Bush "The Great Satan," and mentioned that he thought he still smelled sulfur at the podium where Bush recently spoke, which we will admit is a pretty good line.

Osbourne, who rose to fame as the lead singer of the proto-metal outfit Black Sabbath, has made a career out of biting the heads off of small woodland creatures and acting in a generally menacing, if not altogether threatening manner.

"I've spent the last 40 years singing in front of flaming devil heads and spitting out fake blood at my fans, and now Bush comes along and steals my thunder just by starting an unnecessary war," moaned Osbourne.

"If you all will pardon me now, I need to go and remove all of the crosses and pentagrams from my walls and replace them with pictures of Hello Kitty."

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Record Heat Across America: Al Gore Heads Out On "See, I Told You So" Lecture Tour

Sam L. Parity — Sat, 22 Jul 2006 13:34:00 +0000

Everywhere, United States--A record-breaking heat wave from Maine to California prompted former presidential hopeful and ersatz environmentalist Al Gore to pack up the vegetable oil-powered Mercedes limo and hit the road this weekend.

Gore plans to deliver his message in a series of televised speeches at various college campuses across the country over the next few days. The staff of The Defiant Salmon received an advance copy of the speech from one of our sources, and we present it here in its entirity:

Phew! Sure is sticky out here today. Hot enough for ya? Bet you can fry an egg on the sidewalk...

Ya know, if any of y'all had actually gone out to see my movie, you might have some idea why we are in this mess. Apparently, you'd all rather watch Johnny Depp prancing around on the silver screen doing his gay pirate routine for the second time then sit through the most important movie ever made in our lifetime once.

My movie, An Inconvenient Truth, tried to point out the connection between our wasteful ways and the gradual destruction of the environment due to global warming. But noooooo, you were all just too busy cruising off to the beaches and malls this summer in your non-renewable fossil fuel burning SUVs, while I was off building my ice fortress deep under the frozen tundra of Greenland.

So go ahead, sit in your air-conditioned dorm rooms and chat with your MySpace friends about rock music and fashion trends. But don't blame me when it all goes tits up. Because I already told you that the choices we make on a daily basis have a substantial effect on our climate. Unfortunately, none of you wanted to shell out nine bucks a couple months ago to hear me say it.

Well, all hope is not lost yet. There is still a chance for some of you. The director's cut of 'Inconvenient Truth' comes out next month on DVD. It is packed with bonus features like extended speeches and extra charts, so don't miss it.

Thank you, and stay cool, America.

Cronkite Longs To Hear The "Clattering Of Typewriters" During Newscasts Once Again

Sam L. Parity — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 19:53:00 +0000

"Back in my day, things were better--much better," mused veteran anchorman Walter Cronkite in a recent interview with a Defiant Salmon staffer. "The news was delivered by men with snappy taglines who wore suits and ties. And women would bring you hot coffee and bagels every morning when you arrived at the studio."

Cronkite went on to say that "there weren't all of these so-called experts sitting next to you up on the screen dishing out their half-informed opinions on current events. I swear these young newscasters spend most of their time asking questions and jotting down notes now."

"When I turn on the TV at home these days, I just keep thinking to myself when are we gonna get to the goddammed news already?"

"The thing I miss the most though," added Cronkite, "is the sound of all those typewriters clicking away madly in the background. Gets me all misty-eyed when I think about all of those underpaid stringers slaving away night and day to come up with stories for me."

New Rod Stewart CD Features Cover Versions Of His Own Songs

Sam L. Parity — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 06:40:00 +0000

Aging rocker and part-time footballer Rod Stewart was recently seen on a late night TV infomercial promoting his newest collection of popular song interpretations.

Strangely enough, this collection now includes newly recorded versions of some of "Rod the Mod's" most well-loved hits, performed again by Rod himself.

"We've done three recordings featuring songs from Sinatra and Crosby, so it is only natural that we now move into the modern era of popular music," said Stewart. "However, when I looked into recording songs from the '60s and '70s, I was amazed to learn that some of the best ones were originally recorded by me!"

Although Stewart started out as one of the most accomplished and respected soul/blues singers in the field, his career quickly degraded to the point where he became a parody of himself, releasing a string of failed singles in the '70s that attempted to cash in on the Disco and Punk-influenced sounds of the era.

Nevertheless, Stewart has seen a revival of sorts in his career, having recently released a string of mediocre, middle-of-the-road covers of songs popular during his parents' day.

"Who knew that this dreck would actually sell," said Stewart. "This whole thing just kind of started as a joke after a heavy night of drinking. Somehow, my producers cobbled together a few rhythm tracks, added some fake strings, and had me sing over the top of the whole mess."

"I don't think I did more than one or two takes on any of it. And then all of a sudden, I'm getting decent tables at restaurants again."

Stewart's re-recorded versions of Maggie May and You Wear It Well on the new CD are a far cry from the originals, lacking most of the passion and drive of the work he was doing with Ronnie Wood and The Faces in the early '70s.

"With their lackluster arrangements and flat production, the new versions of my old hits just seem to fit right in with the rest of the bland, uninspired tracks on the CD," stated Stewart.

"Personally, I'd rather listen to Yoko Ono doing vocal warm-ups then the crap I am putting out these days, but who am I to turn my back on a buck at my advanced age?"

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Local Paperboy Latest Victim Of Apple's Relentless Efforts To Make Us All Feel Foolish

Sam L. Parity — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 12:34:00 +0000

Royal Oak, MI--After saving up money all summer from his paper route, little 12-year-old Timothy Tuttle was crestfallen to learn today that Apple had just released a smaller and sexier version of the diminutive iPod Shuffle music player that he recently purchased with his meager profits.

"Steve Jobs is a jerk and I hate his guts," said the dejected paperboy. "All my friends at school are going to laugh at me when they see me carrying around this huge thing in my pocket."

"It is just like the time my mom made me wear that sweater with those stupid reindeers on it to school last year just 'cause grandma died making it."

In a gala media event on Tuesday, Apple unveiled the latest version of the entry-level iPod Shuffle, featuring a form factor half the size of the original, now encased in a shiny brushed aluminum shell that includes a built-in clip.

"They just had to twist the knife and knock twenty bucks off the price as well," said Tuttle. "Do you know how many times I had to get chased down the street by the Fergusen's Rottweiler to make that last twenty dollars?"

To add insult to injury, Timothy's parents did not believe him yesterday when he told them that a bully beat him up on the way home from school and took his iPod.

"I think he hoped that we would feel sorry for him and buy him the new version," said Timothy's father Ron.

"Really, I can't blame him. Who would want that thing now," said the elder Tuttle. "It looks positively massive compared to the new one."

"I figure he just tossed the thing in the bushes on the way to school or something. It is pretty much useless to him now anyway, since he hates music and just bought it to impress his friends."

"Guess this is just one of those life lessons that he will have to learn the hard way," concluded Mr. Tuttle.

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Bush Declares 9/12 "National Day Of Mourning" For Those Who Just Purchased 5th Gen. iPods

Sam L. Parity — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 13:09:00 +0000

Washington, DC--In a recent blog posting, President Bush called for a national day of mourning on September 12th for anyone unlucky enough to have just purchased a 5th generation Apple iPod+Video days before the impending release of the kick-ass 6th gen. model this Tuesday.

"I know it seemed like this day would never arrive," said the President in his weekly blog update. "And I know many of my fellow Americans have been hanging on to their iPod Photo players and their Minis expecting that full-screen 16x9 video player to hit the shelves at any moment."

"But for some of you, the temptation was too strong. So you went out and bought a 30-gig iPod+Video player last month, hoping you would get to enjoy it for a while before the inevitable release of the new unit."

"Unfortunately for these miserable souls," continued President Bush, "the day of reckoning has arrived."

For those feeling particularly despondent or angry, the government has set up a 24-hour hotline where consumers can share their stories of buyer's remorse with a caring professional. In addition, the Secret Service will be escorting Steve Jobs to the Apple press event on Tuesday as a precautionary measure.

"I still enjoy my original video iPod," said President Bush, "and like watching those mash-ups of me rapping that Cheney gets from YouTube, though I'll admit I haven't used it much since the FBI got a hold of one of those new touch-screen jobbies for me a couple months back."

"That thing inspired me to call Steve Jobs last month to personally congratulate him for developing such a fine product for the American people. Too bad y'all have to wait 'til Tuesday to see what I mean."

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Anti-Digg Site Spotted In A Parallel Universe

Sam L. Parity — Sun, 10 Sep 2006 22:48:00 +0000

Quasar B927.4X--Look out digg.com! There is a new kid on the block looking to steal your thunder!

Intergalactic reporters for The Defiant Salmon have recently confirmed the existence of ggid.moc, a popular and frustrating website located in the Cygnus Quadrant of Galaxy F~4.

On ggid.moc, only the least popular stories get any attention, as opposed to digg.com, where users scramble to promote the latest stories of suicidal nail gun victims and dissertations on the acoustic properties of Rice Krispies to the homepage of the well-loved social bookmarking site.

Spokesrobot FL4(G7) explains that "in our quadrant, we are all non-conformists from birth. What would be the point of promoting the most popular stories, which most people have already read?"

"Besides," added FL4, "how would we ever hear of the mysterious vomit dumpings in Iowa if the front page of our site was bogged down with stories of actual merit and substance?"

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