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Monday, October 09, 2006
North Korean Nuke Test Worries Bush
Washington, DC--Today's announcement that North Korea has successfully tested one of their nuclear weapons has prompted George Bush to question when we last tested our own.
"I remember seeing those films in high school science with the mushroom clouds and the melting trees, but they were in black and white," noted Bush.
"We haven't had black and white for years!"
"I know we dropped a couple of 'em on the Japs during dubya dubya two and they sure worked, but that was way back in the '70s when I was still boozing it up," added the president. "Maybe we need to make sure that they haven't gone all gone bad by now."
President Bush's military advisor, Marshall Islands, was quick to assure the president that our nuclear weapons were kept in a constant state of readiness and that he could count on them to protect the United States in the event of attack.
"We might have a couple duds in the bunch," said Islands, "but it is not like we need to go around tapping the warheads with ball-peen hammers to make sure they are still operational."
Still, President Bush is suggesting that we "drop one or two of those nukeuler deals somewhere just to make sure that North Korea knows we still mean business."
"Maybe a couple could accidentally fall out of a plane over Pyongyang or something. 'Cause I remember hearing about nuclear fallout back at Yale--we could just blame the whole thing on that!"
Iraq To Be Split Into Thirds; Citizens Told To Choose Sides
Washington, DC--In a stunning announcement this morning, General Tommy Franks outlined our government's plan to divide war-torn Iraq into three separate regions, or "zones," each with a distinct flavor and personality. "The citizens of Iraq will have 90 days to move into one of these zones, assuming of course that they have the means to travel safely without military escort. If not, we will draw the lines anyway in three months and make the choice for them."
The decision on where to live is expected to be based on each family's religious preferences, political affiliations, and their ability to tolerate endless re-runs of "Hannity and Combs." At press time, the three designated zones were identified as NeoConistan, Colbertia, and The Republic of Oprah.
NeoConistan, which is expected to be the most sparsely populated region, will also be the most heavily fortified. Nobody will be allowed entry into NeoConistan unless they can recite the titles of Ann Coulter's last three books at will while humming "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic."
On the other hand, Colbertia will be occupied by those citizens who are so distraught over the poor condition of their beloved country, that they have taken refuge in dark humor satire as a last resort to ease their suffering. Residents of this area will be treated to nightly broadcasts of "Hurry Up, He's Dead," a Dubai-based television series that chronicles the hilarious misadventures of Saayed, the last living Iraqi citizen.
Finally, those looking to escape into a land of self-empowerment will likely head for The Republic of Oprah, which will feature daily giveaways and tips to make the "best out of a bad situation." Citizens of The Republic of Oprah will be told repeatedly that they can "have it all," including a career, a family, and a happy homelife, even if the infrastructure of their country has been bombed back to the Stone Age, and the power only stays on for thirty to forty-five minutes per day.
ABC Cancels "Lost" After Entire Audience Gives Up On Series
Hollywood, CA--After a particularly confusing season premiere, the entire audience of the popular ABC televison adventure Lost threw their hands up in collective frustration after they refused to invest another moment of their time trying to figure out "just what the hell is really going on" with this show.
After the Neilsen rating organization reported that they could only identify four viewers who sat through the whole episode last Wednesday night, the network had no choice but to shut down production and pull the series from their fall lineup.
Avid TV watcher Glenn O'Dell gave us a rundown of last night's episode--at least as much as he was able to make sense of from the whole confusing mess. "Apparently, Sawyer, Jack, and Kate have been locked up all summer in some underwater dungeon that belongs to the Dharma Initiative--whatever that is! They spent the whole episode trying to escape their imprisonment, which is pointless, because they have no idea where they are and they are on a frickin' island anyway!"
"Frankly, at this point, I could care less," said O'Dell. "I hope they all die. Instead, I'm going to concentrate my efforts this year on figuring out why Dancing With The Stars doesn't seem to have any actual stars on the show.
Socially Conscious Man Assembles His Own iPods In The Garage
Pasadena, TX--Journeyman electrician and social activist Isaac Leibowitz can claim that he owns one of the few iPod Nanos made in the United States, because he actually put it together himself!
"I was reading about the oppresive conditions in the Chinese factories that produce the iPod, and wanted to do something to help the workers overseas," said Leibowitz. "So I tracked down the suppliers of all of the components of the new iPods, and placed an order for the parts to be sent to my home."
Leibowitz admits that "it took me a while to figure out how everything went together, but I have a couple working models now. Also, I tried to get my wife to help out as well, but she just kept burning herself with the soldering iron."
"My kids were not much help either," added Leibowitz. "Little Timmy installed the screen upside down, and put the headphone jack on the bottom. Oh, wait, it does go on the bottom."
"Shit. Now I have to start all over again."
Leibowitz's version of the iPod Nano is not cheap either. "Ordering all the parts separately just about quadruples the price," said the electrician. "But I think I can keep the price of the 4 gig Nano under a thousand bucks, if I don't charge for my labor."
"Besides, this is all about taking responsibility for the impact we have on the world around us. And who could possibly want to put a price on that?"
Local Man Spends Day Off Online Waiting For Direct Deposit To Post To Account
Burbank, CA--Local phone sales representative Elton Riggles is embarrassed to admit that he spent the better part of his day on Saturday patiently waiting for evidence of his direct deposit to show up in his bank account.
"At my last telemarketing job, they just paid cash," said Riggles, "but sometimes I lost it on the way to the bank. Well, OK, I lost it at the bar on the way to the bank."
"But, this time, my new employer said that my paycheck would be directly deposited into my account. I thought it was nice of them to offer to drive down to the bank and give them my check, but then this lady in the payroll department explained that this was all done through electronics."
Riggles mentioned that he initially took the job because they told him that they paid "bi-weekly," which he assumed meant that he got paid twice a week.
"I thought that was really cool, because usually by the middle of the week, I am like totally out of cash anyway."
After the payroll department straightened out the misunderstanding, they encouraged Riggles to set up an online bank account, so he could take advantage of the direct deposit program.
"They told me I was getting paid on the 30th, so I figured I would check to see if the money was there when I woke up," said Riggles. "When I saw my balance was still like forty-three cents, I figured it hadn't."
"Long story short, I ended up spending most of the afternoon in my pajamas sitting in front of the computer waiting to get paid! Finally, I called the bank, and they told me they don't update the site on the weekend."
"I felt kind of dumb after that."
Riggles is thinking of going back to his old job, which "kind of sucked, but at least I got my money when they said I would get it."
Why Isn't The Government Telling Us More About DHMO?
Normally, The Defiant Salmon, stays away from "hot-button" issues and likes to concentrate on the light-hearted side of celebrity news and gossip. But one of our reporters has uncovered something that is shaping up to be one of the biggest government cover-ups in recent history, and as concerned global citizens, we felt compelled to report on this.
Dihydrogen Monoxide, or DHMO, is a regulary-used chemical component of various products ranging from fire retardants to industrial solvents. It is also used in many foods we purchase daily, including baby food, soups, and beer.
However, recent research has uncovered many dangers associated with this commonly-used additive, and people exposed to this substance could be at risk of suffering tissue damage, severe burns, and even death if a large enough quantity is ingested.
Obviously, more information needs to be compiled before we really know what is at stake here. But the fact that we hear almost nothing about this topic in the media today scares us almost as much as the DHMO itself.
So why is the government hiding this from us? Could it be that they know something that we don't?
The truth will come out here, ladies and gentlemen. It is only a matter of time.
Find more facts about DHMO on this informative site.
