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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Oprah "One Step Closer" To Monopolizing Every Spare Second Of Our Day
Chicago, IL--Oprah Winfrey, a true leviathan of the entertainment industry, has come one step closer to realizing her dream of inundating the public with non-stop 24/7 Oprah-generated content.
In a last-minute press conference, Oprah announced yesterday that she was debuting a new cable channel that would feature a live feed transmitted directly from her bedroom that will mainly show images of her sleeping peacefully through the night.
The new channel, tentatively titled "Oprah: Zzzzzzzz," joins the recently announced "Oprah & Friends" program on XM satellite radio, Oprah's "O" magazine, and her long-running daytime talk show on network TV.
"Oprah: Zzzzzzzz" will focus solely on Oprah's nightly choice of sleepwear, midnight snacks, and the assortment of stuffed animals (and the occasional on-again, off-again boyfriends) that share her bed every evening.
"We're not going to show any dirty stuff or anything," says Oprah, "because, frankly, there isn't much to show. I just thought that many of my viewers would feel better knowing where I was at all times."
"Besides," added Winfrey, "my tight schedule only allows for 30-45 minutes of sleep every night. The rest of the programming on the channel will be comprised of a designer-colored test pattern with the 'Harpo Productions' logo on it."
"If my fans complain, I'll just mail 'em all new iPods or something. That will shut them up quick!"
Ozzy Osbourne Announces Retirement In Wake Of Chavez's Comments To U.N.
Beverly Hills, CA--Aging demonic rocker Ozzy Osbourne has announced his retirement from the music business in the wake of comments recently made by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez describing George Bush as a "racist, imperialist devil."
"All my life, people have called me 'The Prince of Darkness,' even me mum," said Osbourne in a recent press gathering at his Beverly Hills estate.
"It kind of takes some of the sting out of it now that they are calling President Bush that as well."
Osbourne is referring to a speech made yesterday to the U.N. general assembly by Chavez where he called Bush "The Great Satan," and mentioned that he thought he still smelled sulfur at the podium where Bush recently spoke, which we will admit is a pretty good line.
Osbourne, who rose to fame as the lead singer of the proto-metal outfit Black Sabbath, has made a career out of biting the heads off of small woodland creatures and acting in a generally menacing, if not altogether threatening manner.
"I've spent the last 40 years singing in front of flaming devil heads and spitting out fake blood at my fans, and now Bush comes along and steals my thunder just by starting an unnecessary war," moaned Osbourne.
"If you all will pardon me now, I need to go and remove all of the crosses and pentagrams from my walls and replace them with pictures of Hello Kitty."
Cronkite Longs To Hear The "Clattering Of Typewriters" During Newscasts Once Again
"Back in my day, things were better--much better," mused veteran anchorman Walter Cronkite in a recent interview with a Defiant Salmon staffer. "The news was delivered by men with snappy taglines who wore suits and ties. And women would bring you hot coffee and bagels every morning when you arrived at the studio."
Cronkite went on to say that "there weren't all of these so-called experts sitting next to you up on the screen dishing out their half-informed opinions on current events. I swear these young newscasters spend most of their time asking questions and jotting down notes now."
"When I turn on the TV at home these days, I just keep thinking to myself when are we gonna get to the goddammed news already?"
"The thing I miss the most though," added Cronkite, "is the sound of all those typewriters clicking away madly in the background. Gets me all misty-eyed when I think about all of those underpaid stringers slaving away night and day to come up with stories for me."
New Rod Stewart CD Features Cover Versions Of His Own Songs
Aging rocker and part-time footballer Rod Stewart was recently seen on a late night TV infomercial promoting his newest collection of popular song interpretations.
Strangely enough, this collection now includes newly recorded versions of some of "Rod the Mod's" most well-loved hits, performed again by Rod himself.
"We've done three recordings featuring songs from Sinatra and Crosby, so it is only natural that we now move into the modern era of popular music," said Stewart. "However, when I looked into recording songs from the '60s and '70s, I was amazed to learn that some of the best ones were originally recorded by me!"
Although Stewart started out as one of the most accomplished and respected soul/blues singers in the field, his career quickly degraded to the point where he became a parody of himself, releasing a string of failed singles in the '70s that attempted to cash in on the Disco and Punk-influenced sounds of the era.
Nevertheless, Stewart has seen a revival of sorts in his career, having recently released a string of mediocre, middle-of-the-road covers of songs popular during his parents' day.
"Who knew that this dreck would actually sell," said Stewart. "This whole thing just kind of started as a joke after a heavy night of drinking. Somehow, my producers cobbled together a few rhythm tracks, added some fake strings, and had me sing over the top of the whole mess."
"I don't think I did more than one or two takes on any of it. And then all of a sudden, I'm getting decent tables at restaurants again."
Stewart's re-recorded versions of Maggie May and You Wear It Well on the new CD are a far cry from the originals, lacking most of the passion and drive of the work he was doing with Ronnie Wood and The Faces in the early '70s.
"With their lackluster arrangements and flat production, the new versions of my old hits just seem to fit right in with the rest of the bland, uninspired tracks on the CD," stated Stewart.
"Personally, I'd rather listen to Yoko Ono doing vocal warm-ups then the crap I am putting out these days, but who am I to turn my back on a buck at my advanced age?"
Dancing With The Stars Uses The Term "Stars" Loosely
A consumer watchdog group has taken ABC to task for the severe lack of any recognizable talent on this year's season of Dancing With The Stars.
Instead of being a who's who of Hollywood royalty, it is more like a who's that this year," said Christy Weedbrock, a spokesperson for the Alliance for Television Fairness.
"Really, I can't place half of them, and I watch a lot of TV."
The popular ABC series pairs professional ballroom dancers with celebrity counterparts in an elimination-style dance contest. In the past, the show has featured such Tinseltown luminaries as Rachel Hunter, Tatum O'Neal, and George Hamilton.
This year, however, the Alliance for Television Fairness claims that ABC has taken liberties by using the word "stars" in the title. "The only one I kind of recognize is that Mario Lopez, who I think used to be on that all-male version of The View with Dick Clark," said Weedbrock.
"I think that Harry Hamlet guy might have been on that show L.A. Law, but it was on so long ago I can't remember anymore."
ABC has already announced that this will be the final season of "Stars." Even the network execs admit that they have trouble keeping a straight face when they mention the name of the show.
In its place, the network is developing a project called "Resting With the Elderly Stars" that will replace the current show next fall.
Local Paperboy Latest Victim Of Apple's Relentless Efforts To Make Us All Feel Foolish
Royal Oak, MI--After saving up money all summer from his paper route, little 12-year-old Timothy Tuttle was crestfallen to learn today that Apple had just released a smaller and sexier version of the diminutive iPod Shuffle music player that he recently purchased with his meager profits.
"Steve Jobs is a jerk and I hate his guts," said the dejected paperboy. "All my friends at school are going to laugh at me when they see me carrying around this huge thing in my pocket."
"It is just like the time my mom made me wear that sweater with those stupid reindeers on it to school last year just 'cause grandma died making it."
In a gala media event on Tuesday, Apple unveiled the latest version of the entry-level iPod Shuffle, featuring a form factor half the size of the original, now encased in a shiny brushed aluminum shell that includes a built-in clip.
"They just had to twist the knife and knock twenty bucks off the price as well," said Tuttle. "Do you know how many times I had to get chased down the street by the Fergusen's Rottweiler to make that last twenty dollars?"
To add insult to injury, Timothy's parents did not believe him yesterday when he told them that a bully beat him up on the way home from school and took his iPod.
"I think he hoped that we would feel sorry for him and buy him the new version," said Timothy's father Ron.
"Really, I can't blame him. Who would want that thing now," said the elder Tuttle. "It looks positively massive compared to the new one."
"I figure he just tossed the thing in the bushes on the way to school or something. It is pretty much useless to him now anyway, since he hates music and just bought it to impress his friends."
"Guess this is just one of those life lessons that he will have to learn the hard way," concluded Mr. Tuttle.
Bush Declares 9/12 "National Day Of Mourning" For Those Who Just Purchased 5th Gen. iPods
Washington, DC--In a recent blog posting, President Bush called for a national day of mourning on September 12th for anyone unlucky enough to have just purchased a 5th generation Apple iPod+Video days before the impending release of the kick-ass 6th gen. model this Tuesday.
"I know it seemed like this day would never arrive," said the President in his weekly blog update. "And I know many of my fellow Americans have been hanging on to their iPod Photo players and their Minis expecting that full-screen 16x9 video player to hit the shelves at any moment."
"But for some of you, the temptation was too strong. So you went out and bought a 30-gig iPod+Video player last month, hoping you would get to enjoy it for a while before the inevitable release of the new unit."
"Unfortunately for these miserable souls," continued President Bush, "the day of reckoning has arrived."
For those feeling particularly despondent or angry, the government has set up a 24-hour hotline where consumers can share their stories of buyer's remorse with a caring professional. In addition, the Secret Service will be escorting Steve Jobs to the Apple press event on Tuesday as a precautionary measure.
"I still enjoy my original video iPod," said President Bush, "and like watching those mash-ups of me rapping that Cheney gets from YouTube, though I'll admit I haven't used it much since the FBI got a hold of one of those new touch-screen jobbies for me a couple months back."
"That thing inspired me to call Steve Jobs last month to personally congratulate him for developing such a fine product for the American people. Too bad y'all have to wait 'til Tuesday to see what I mean."
Quasar B927.4X--Look out digg.com! There is a new kid on the block looking to steal your thunder!
Intergalactic reporters for The Defiant Salmon have recently confirmed the existence of ggid.moc, a popular and frustrating website located in the Cygnus Quadrant of Galaxy F~4.
On ggid.moc, only the least popular stories get any attention, as opposed to digg.com, where users scramble to promote the latest stories of suicidal nail gun victims and dissertations on the acoustic properties of Rice Krispies to the homepage of the well-loved social bookmarking site.
Spokesrobot FL4(G7) explains that "in our quadrant, we are all non-conformists from birth. What would be the point of promoting the most popular stories, which most people have already read?"
"Besides," added FL4, "how would we ever hear of the mysterious vomit dumpings in Iowa if the front page of our site was bogged down with stories of actual merit and substance?"
Washington, DC--In a recent White House press conference, President Bush attempted to silence his detractors by holding fast to the position that Iraqis were somehow involved in events related to 7/11.
"Everytime I make my limo driver Stan stop at a 7/11 to pick me up an Extreme Big Gulp and some lottery tickets, I see some Iraqi-looking guy behind the counter," claimed President Bush.
"I am not saying that these clerks are necessarily involved in any of the high-level planning that goes on at the stores, but they definitely play a role."
Bush also stated that he would continue to investigate the connection between Iraqis and 7/11, even if it meant that he had to "drain the whole damn Slurpee machine himself" to find the answers for which he was searching.
"A few years back, you only saw Hindus or Koreans behind the counters of these stores. But now that the face of 7/11 seems to be changing, I think it is up to every American to stay vigilant whenever they purchase their money orders or those horoscopes-in-a-tube from these establishments," said Bush.
In addition, Bush pledged to add 7/11 clerks to the Accents of Evil, explaining that he "can never seem to understand a damn thing those guys are sayin' when they ring me up."
Paris Hilton Cited By Police For Driving Under The Influence Of Privilege
Beverly Hills police officers pulled over hotel heiress Paris Hilton on Wednesday after they spotted her driving erratically in her quarter-of-a-million dollar Mercedes McLaren SLR roadster.
After administering a breathalyzer test to the suspect, the police let Hilton go with only a warning, even though her blood alcohol content was at or near the legal limit in California of .08 percent.
"If she was just some run-of-the-mill celebrity, we probably would have cuffed her and hauled her ass off to the station," said Beverly Hills peace office Jay Hernandez. "But this is Paris freakin' Hilton we are talking about here!"
In a brief interview on a local Los Angeles radio station, Hilton explained that she had been working hard all day on her latest music video, and was exhausted from actually having to expend some of her own energy on it at some point during the shoot.
"Even though I sat in my trailer sucking down margaritas served by my personal bartender Rodolfo most of the day, at one point I had to go out and roll around on a bed wearing a nightgown under those hot studio lights for almost ten minutes," complained Hilton.
"Anyway, the officer who pulled me over was really nice to let me go with a warning in exchange for agreeing to purchase a heater for the Olympic-sized swimming pool located in the basement of the police station."
"I guess I really can't get arrested in this town after all," bragged Hilton.
Talk Show Host Ellen DeGeneres And Partner Involved In Beverly Hills Road Rage Incident
Beverly Hills, CA--Ellen DeGeneres and her life partner Portia de Rossi were both booked in Beverly Hills on suspicion of reckless driving when they attempted to crush a Buick that managed to squeeze between their matching Porsches at a stoplight on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood.
The 1987 Buick LeSabre, driven by a talent agency mail-room clerk named Samantha Butler, was declared a total loss by her insurance company soon after the incident with the famous female couple over the weekend.
"I was just trying to pull over because I heard sirens," said victim Butler. "All of a sudden, I saw the reverse lights come on in front of me, and then another Porsche came up and hit me from behind!"
"If it wasn't for those police cars speeding by at that moment, I might have been crushed to a pulp!"
Officer Jimmy Shelton, who arrived on scene soon after the accident, charged the two celebrities with reckless driving and took them in for questioning after witnessing the damage to Butler's car.
"Surprisingly enough, Portia's Porsche Boxter boxed her in! I can only imagine the ribbing I am gonna get back at the precinct when I write this one up," moaned officer Shelton.
During questioning, DeGeneres mentioned that her partner Portia was "the jealous type," and that she didn't like anybody "coming between them." Also, DeGeneres questioned what a Buick was doing on Sunset Blvd. in the first place before dark, and suggested that Ms. Butler look into trading up for a better model.
"Screw that! I inherited that Buick from my grandmother. It was paid off decades ago, and I have no intention of getting rid of it," exclaimed Butler.
"Besides that, I still have my South Dakota plates on it. That saves me a fortune on insurance."
The Jury Is Still Out On Sex Offender Trading Cards
Los Angeles, CA--The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department proposal to market a set of trading cards featuring some of the most notorious sexual deviants in Southern California drew a decidedly mixed response during a recent public hearing on the matter.
Seen as a way to offset the cost of housing, processing and keeping track of the nearly 12,000 registered sex offenders who now call Los Angeles home, the idea was suggested by a local officer whose teenage son had purchased a set of playing cards featuring the images of serial killers on them from a friend at school.
Nevertheless, many members of the public who attended the hearing last Thursday said they would vote against any initiative that resulted in additional notoriety and exposure for those who decide to commit sex crimes.
"These guys need to be put away somewhere and left to rot. The last thing we need is to see the faces of these scumbags on a set of playing cards at the Wal-Mart counter," said a local teacher who asked not to be identified.
"What is going to be next for them--T-shirts or maybe even lunchboxes? We already have a culture that idolizes celebrity above all else. Let's not include registered sex offenders on that list just to generate a few extra bucks for the city."
Moby Worried That His Birthday Will Be Overlooked This Year
Popular musician Moby was looking forward to celebrating his 41st birthday this month, until he realized that the revelry might be overshadowed by the events commemorating the 5th anniversary of the World Trade Center bombings in New York City.
Moby, whose real name is Richard Melville Hall, was born on September 11, 1965 in Harlem, New York.
"Of course, I have a great amount of compassion for those who suffered unimaginable losses on September 11th, 2001. But I lost something on that day too--the ability to enjoy my birthday on a day not connected to the worst act of terrorism ever perpetrated on American soil."
Moby has already scaled back plans to host an all-night rave, and is instead opting to invite just "a few close friends" over to celebrate with a wine and cheese party at his SoHo loft.
"People were telling me that they might felt guilty dancing 'til dawn with a somber 9/11 candlelight vigil being held just blocks away. Although I can totally relate, I just hope they realize my birthday is always going to be on September 11th, and that it really does not explain why they always seem to cheap out on my presents."
President Bush Calls For Tighter Borders As Hurricane Ernesto Touches Down In Florida
Miami, FL--In a recent press conference, President Bush expressed concern that American hurricanes would not be able to find work if storm systems like Ernesto continued to escape from Cuba and enter the United States illegally.
"We must put all of our efforts into keeping hurricanes like Ernesto out of our country, since they bring wages down for local cyclones, and tend to put a strain on many of our resources as well," said President Bush.
"For this reason, I am urging the National Guard to be extra vigilant over the long holiday weekend in their attempts to keep Latino-sounding hurricanes from crossing our borders."
President Bush went on to say that he was disappointed with the response to the two previous hurricanes, named Carl and Doug, which originated from our shores but were unable to cause much of a stir as they eventually petered out somewhere off the coast of North Carolina.
"Of course, a hurricane like Ernesto is going to cause twice as much damage as American storm, and do it for a much lower price, because it has nothing to lose. Ernesto probably comes from a country where there are no personal freedoms, run by a ruthless dictator who controls all the weather within his own territory," explained President Bush.
"Any hurricane that manages to survive that kind of persecution is just going to end up making trouble for us here in the States. I know all that torrential rain and thunder is impressive--hell, even I am impressed---but hurricanes like Ernesto are just ill foreign winds that ain't going to blow anybody any good."
