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Sunday, August 27, 2006
Were The Elephant Man's Bones Incinerated In Neverland Blaze?
Santa Ynez, CA--A raging 40-acre wildfire in Northern California on Friday set a few outbuildings ablaze on Michael Jackson's "Neverland" ranch property, including a structure that may have contained the bones of Joseph Merrick.
Merrick, better known as the Elephant Man, was a circus sideshow attraction who lived in Victorian era Britain. He suffered from Proteus syndrome, which left him severly deformed and unable to work or care for himself throughout most of his short, painful life.
A Santa Barbara county fire captain discovered the charred bones inside a burlap sack, which reportedly had a stamp on it identifying them as the property of the Royal London Hospital. At first, officials were concerned that somebody had perished in the flames, but all staff members were accounted for as of yesterday.
No further details of this story were available at press time. Mr. Jackson is currently in Bahrain, and could not be reached for comment.
Furthermore, he has steadfastly denied ever having any interest in owning the bones of Joseph Merrick, even though a written offer of one million dollars was submitted by him for the Elephant Man's skeleton almost two decades ago. This original report also stated that Mr. Jackson's offer was denied numerous times by the owner of the remains.
The popular singer has always said that he could "relate" to the way Merrick was treated by the rest of society, and that he saw a lot of parallels between his life and Merrick's.
Apple Spokesperson: "No 6th Generation iPod--Not Now, Not Ever"
Cupertino, CA--During a recent press conference, Apple PR spokesperson Pat N. Pending announced that the company is abandoning all efforts to replace the currently available 5th generation iPod.
"Basically, we have decided that the iPod + video is good enough for the average consumer of today, and also of the foreseeable future. I mean, it plays songs, videos, even podcasts now--frankly, we just can't think of anything else that it needs to do."
This latest proclamation sent shockwaves through legions of Apple fanatics, who expected a replacement for the aging device to arrive at any moment. Rumors of a full-screen iPod with a virtual clickwheel have been running rampant over the internet ever since Apple patented a method of selecting songs and menus by touching the screen itself.
"Yeah, we did try to come up with a way to replace the physical control surface, but it just never worked right," said Pending. "It kept jumping into the middle of a game of Breakout every time we tried to lower the volume on the iPod."
With over 25 million units sold, the Apple iPod is the most successful player ever developed in the history of mp3 devices. "You can stick one in your car, in your pocket--hell, you can even stick one in your shoe and go jogging now," bragged the Apple spokesperson.
"That is the best we can come up with. We are tired of banging our heads against the wall night and day trying to improve a product that is already damn near perfect!"
As the press conference came to a close, the Apple spokesperson fielded a few questions, and then concluded with this statement: "If the current iPod isn't sexy enough, thin enough, or shiny enough for you, then you should just go ahead and design a replacement yourself."
"Because believe me, we've already tried. And I can tell you this much--it is no walk in the park."
Latest Photo Of The "iPod Killer" Leaked To The Internets
A recent photo of the vicious criminal dubbed the "iPod Killer." In this single blurry image, we see the masked villain about to take out his vengeance on a "U2 Special Edition" iPod.
Redmond, WA--Early this morning, police officials announced that they have made a preliminary identification in the case of the masked marauder known only as the "iPod Killer," who has been terrorizing the local citizens of Redmond for months.
"We're pretty sure we know who is behind all of this," stated veteran police captain Mel "Mul" Muldoon. "Microsoft has been unable to develop a product to compete with the ubiquitous Apple music player, and this 'Zune' device they keep bragging about is still months away from release."
"Still, I never really expected him to take this 'iPod Killer' thing so literally..."
Police suspect that the man behind the mask is none other than William Henry Gates III, chairman of the Microsoft Corporation, and the world's richest man. "I guess he figures that if he can't beat them at their own game, then at least he is going to try to scare the crap out of anybody he sees sporting the white earbuds out in public, at least until his new product hits the market."
To date, the "iPod Killer" has disemboweled six video iPods, a few Nanos, and numerous Shuffles belonging to Redmond residents. "He just grabbed my pink Mini player and crushed it under the heel of his Bruno Magli," said homemaker Cynthia Seligman.
"He was wearing that ridiculous mask at the time, but I am pretty sure it was Gates, because he sped away in a chauffeured Lamborghini Murcielago with a personalized license plate that read El Jefe."
Marine Corps Recalls Last Remaining WW2 Vets Back To The Battlefield
Kingman, AZ--Homer Winston, a 94-year-old veteran of World War 2, was suprised to find a letter in his mailbox this weekend asking him to return to active duty with the United States Marine Corps. According to Winston, "I told them to keep me on the inactive reserve list six decades ago, just in case they needed me again."
"I haven't been out of bed in over three years, but if they want me back, I'm going!"
Due to an understandable lack of volunteers willing to return to Iraq after they have already seen combat, the Marine Corps announced yesterday that they would begin involuntarily recalling inactive Marines to the embattled region. Apparently, the recalls affect everyone from recently enlisted soldiers to anybody receiving a military pension of any age.
"I know we can't expect much from some of these older soldiers, but if they can put on the uniform and walk around a bit, that might scare the enemy into surrendering," said military recruiter Jack Scheisskopf. "Some have mockingly called us an army of 'great-great grandfathers' but who would know better how to defeat our enemy and then get us the hell out of there better than a WWII vet?"
As for PFC Homer Winston, he is certainly looking forward to "hopping aboard the B-29 Superfortress and showing those dang Japs what he is made of."
"Even at ninety-four, I've still got some fight left in me. Just show me where that bastard Tojo is hiding out, and I'll do the rest," boasted Winston.
John Mark Karr Thanks The U.S. Government For The Free Trip Home
Los Angeles, CA--Substitute teacher John Mark Karr, who last week confessed to the accidental killing of six-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, thanked President Bush and the rest of the government of the United States for picking up the tab for his plane ride home.
"Really, this was an absolute pleasure, and something I will surely tell the grandkids about," said Karr, shortly after landing at the Los Angeles International Airport. "I'm used to cold bologna sandwiches with ketchup in the teachers' lounge, so this was quite a treat."
While on board the fourteen-hour Thai Airways flight, first-class passenger Karr enjoyed a movie while dining on fried king prawn with steamed rice and broccoli, roast duck with soy sauce and yellow noodles, followed by a slice of chocolate cake for dessert.
To wash it all down, Karr drank a beer, then later enjoyed a glass of French chardonnay and a bottle of Evian with his main course.
"Those tickets must have cost a fortune," said Karr. "I sure do appreciate this, because I had no idea how the hell I was ever going to get back to the states, 'til I dreamed up that JonBenet nonsense."
During the flight, Karr slightly altered his story, angering the Homeland Security agents traveling with him back to America. According to Karr, he now claims that he didn't actually kill little JonBenet, but instead visited her grave a short time after her death.
"I guess I wasn't there right when she died, but it wasn't too long after that occurred," said Karr. "She was really special to me, and I just wanted to pay my final respects."
The Attorney General's office of Boulder, Colorado has dropped all charges against Karr, and has instead ordered the 41-year-old to reimburse the United States for all expenses incurred during his arrest and subsequent flight home.
Karr, who earns $65 per day as a substitute teacher in California, hopes to have paid back his debt to society by the time the real killer is found, which is expected to happen sometime in 2073.
QVC Rolls Out Shop-By-Remote Service: America, Has It Really Come To This?
Terre Haute, IN--In a move designed to free fat and lazy Americans from having to actually get up and grab the phone, QVC and Charter Cable have announced a partnership to bring shopping by remote control to all of its subscribers by 2007.
"With just a few clicks of the remote, customers will be able to order virtually anything we sell on QVC, without having to put down the labor-saving device that they are currently holding to pick up another," says QVC spokesperson Esteban Finkelstein.
"In addition, we are in talks with UPS to develop a system to deliver the packages right to the customer's couch, since our current system of mail delievery requires the customer to get up to answer the door, and then manually transport the package into the house upon arrival."
With this new shop-by-remote service, QVC also hopes to attract the business of millions of Americans who can't be bothered to walk over to the computer and order the products they see advertised on television through their online shopping portal.
"Americans spend all day sitting in air-conditioned cubicles sipping coffee and surfing the net while they pretend that they are working. When they come home, the last thing they want to do is to get back on the computer and go shopping," said Finkelstein.
Hollywood,CA--The highly-anticipated Sam Jackson stunner Snakes On A Plane has already grossed over $100 million at the box office, putting it at the top of the list of summer blockbusters, even though it does not officially hit theaters until tomorrow.
"The buzz on this film has been so incredible, I am not surprised one bit," says New Line executive Anna Conda. "The film is absolutely fantastic and deserves every bit of attention it is getting. Of course, I haven't actually seen it myself--but with a title like that, it just has to be great!"
Along with the financial windfall, Snakes On A Plane has already snagged the Oscar for best picture, and director David Ellis has been invited to have his footprints immortalized in cement in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood.
In addition, Samuel Jackson has purchased a Gulfstream IV jet with his share of the anticipated profits from the film, though he admits to being "scared to death" to step foot inside of it.
"You would be too if you saw all them snakes slitherin' out of the overhead compartments like I did," said Jackson. "Indiana Jones, I feel you brother."
In an attempt to keep the momentum going, director Ellis is already hard at work on the espionage-themed sequel, which is tentatively titled Snakes On Valerie Plame. "We don't have a script, actors, or even a location yet," said Ellis, "but at least we have the title."
"We are just crossing our fingers at this point and hoping that lightning strikes twice."
Ghost Of "Marley" The Dog Returns To Choke His Owners
The disembodied spirit of the canine subject of Marley & Me, a best-selling novel written by John Grogan, has retuned to Earth to exact revenge on his abusive owners.
"For years, I had to put up with all their crap. The choke chains, the obedience school, being locked in the garage even--but calling me 'the world's worst dog' on the cover of that dreadful book is the last straw."
Marley & Me chronicles the experiences of John and Jenny Grogan as they attempt to feed and care for their one hundred-pound Labrador Retreiver. Many reviewers of this wildly successful story criticize the techniques used by the Grogans and feel they are just cashing in on Marley's misery with their book.
"Was it too much to ask for to be taken for a walk once in a while," asked Marley. "They have all the time on the world to do the Oprah book tour, but can't even be bothered to cut their Disney World vacation short on the account of me DYING!"
The Grogans have reported hearing ghostly howling late at night, and scratching sounds at their door which wakes them from their sleep. "This is only the beginning," says Marley. "Just wait 'til they see what I did to their backyard."
An Editorial From Planet Pluto: "The Solar System Won't Be The Same Without Me"
Hey kids. Planet Pluto here. You know, the ninth planet in your solar system? Well, at least, that is what they have been telling you in school for the last 75 years...
Now, all of a sudden, some nerds point a telescope at me and decide that I might not really be a planet after all! Don't I spin around in the sky day after day? And don't other things spin around me? What more do you want?
Stop by and visit my desolate icy world sometime. I'll admit, I might not have as much to offer you as those other planets that sit a little closer to the sun. I don't have any rings, and my atmosphere is toxic to all life forms. But we got up to -740 degrees this summer! Take that, South America!
So tell your teachers and scientists not to wipe me from the books just yet. I may be small and insignificant, but I am plucky. And if nothing else, at least I am not named Uranus.
Altered Version Of Popular '70s Shampoo Flying Off Shelves In Islamabad
Islamabad, Pakistan--Retailers across Pakistan find that they are at a total loss to explain why "Gee, Your Hair Smells Like Nitroglycerin!" brand shampoo is suddenly one of the hottest selling items in local markets around Islamabad.
"There's something happening here--but what it is ain't exactly clear," said 7-11 cashier Sadeer Mansour about the recent uptick in sales of the fragrant shampoo. "Most of my customers wear turbans or burkas anyhow, so I am not sure why they are concerned with the appearance and texture of their hair all of a sudden."
Authorities were alerted to this potentially dangerous development Thursday when they discovered a discarded bottle of the product in question inside of a bin at Heathrow Airport in London.
Scotland Yard chemist Dean Dunderchief reports that, not suprisingly, upon examination the bottle was found to contain the pure explosive compound nitroglycerin "just like it says on the package." In addition, Dunderchief mentioned that the top of the bottle would allow a would-be terrorist to measure out the exact amount of black powder needed to make "one heck of a bang!" "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific!," the original product manufactured by Loreal, has not been available in stores since the mid-eighties. "If I remember correctly, that stuff never really lived up to its advertised promise," said the Scotland Yard chemist, "but at least it would not vaporize your hair immediately upon contact."
Seoul, South Korea--A representative of the North Korean embassy reports that military officials have captured and rendered harmless a U.S. sub that strayed from international waters last Saturday. The sub is currently on display in the Museum of our Great and Merciless Leader in Pyongyang.
The sub, which measures twelve inches from bow to stern, was unmanned at the time of capture. From photos leaked to the FBI from an unidentified source, the submarine has been identified as a BMT class sub on "honey oat."
"We thoroughly examined this weapon of democracy and oppression, and have carefully disassembled this device to see what capabilities it possesses," said North Korean military general Huang Chung. "From what we can tell, the sub, which was powered by a lethal combination of ham, Genoa salami, and roasted beef, would have inflicted massive casualties on the North Korean population had we not captured and defused this device in time."
American officials have refused to comment specifically on this matter, but confirm that this is part of an ongoing offensive known only as "Project Jared." In addition, a military spokesperson admits that they now expect the North Koreans to focus their efforts on capturing a "large Coke and a bag of chips" to display alongside of the shanghaied sub.
