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Monday, July 31, 2006
Wave Of "Lohanitis" Sweeps Across America
Saginaw, MI--Taking their cue from "Mean Girls" actress Lindsay Lohan, millions of ordinary Americans have been calling in sick to work, blaming their absence on a case of "Lohanitis."
Last week, the popular actress was publicly reprimanded by producer James G. Robinson, saying that Lohan, who claimed exhaustion and dehydration, was really just suffering from a case of "all-night heavy partying" when she failed to show up for work the other morning.
Saginaw Steering Gear shift #2 worker Carole Garvin spend last Wednesday at home as well, suffering from a sudden onset of Lohanitis. "First I felt overheated, and then I felt constricted," said Garvin. "I thought it would be best if I stayed home, rather than risk exposing my co-workers to active Lohanitis as well."
Garvin's boss, Mark Rotenberg, was pretty sure that Carole "just didn't feel like coming in today." Nevertheless, he admits this isn't nearly as bad as the time when Dave Chappelle left his job mid-season and went to Africa.
"You wouldn't believe how many of my workers walked off the job in the middle of the day and went on their own pilgrimage to White's Bar down the street when that news hit the factory," said Rotenberg.
Israel Pointing Their Rockets At Mel Gibson's Malibu Estate
Haifa, Israel--After hearing of the vile anti-Semitic remarks made by actor Mel Gibson during a weekend drunk-driving arrest, the Israeli military has decided to put the fight against the Hezbollah on hold for the moment, and focus their efforts on the complete and total eradication of Mel Gibson instead.
Israel sent a terse e-mail to Gibson's management company on Saturday, stating that the actor has 48 hours to vacate the premises of his Malibu, California mansion, before "we blow the place to smithereens."
Gibson, who doubts that Israel's "Jew rockets" can reach Malibu, is bunking up with neighbor Gary Busey, "just to be on the safe side."
Anderson And Kid Rock Tie The Knot, Then Return To The Nest
Mount Clemens, MI--Newlyweds Pamela Anderson and Bob "Kid Rock" Ritchie have decided to put their careers on hold for the time being, and move back in with Ritchie's parents, Jim and Melani Ritchie, who are currently living in a Mount Clemens, Michigan housing project.
"We just need to get our finances in order, and then we will look into renting a small studio apartment in the city," said Ritchie. "I know this is not the ideal situation, but Pam seems to get along OK with my folks, so I thought we would try this for a while"
Noted psychologist Elton Riggles says that "Boomerang Kids," or children that return home after college or marriage are a mixed blessing for parents. "These Boomerang Kids can place a huge strain on the financial resources and emotional health of the parents," says Dr. Riggles.
"Unless they set specific ground rules and have a clear plan in place for helping the young adults quickly transition into an independent living situation, these arrangements can cause a great amount of undue stress and financial turmoil for the families involved."
Kid Rock's music career began in earnest almost a decade ago, when he took a job as a janitor in a local recording studio and recorded demos late at night when the studio was empty. "I sold over 100,000 copies of my first single, 'Early Mornin' Stoned Pimp', right out of my parent's basement. Back then it was all profit, but these days with my entourage, touring fees, and Pam's surgical expenses, we just aren't making ends meet anymore."
In lieu of paying rent, Ritchie plans to mow the lawn and take out the trash, and Anderson will do some light cooking and cleaning, as well as looking after the cat box. "Six months, maybe a year tops, and we should have enough saved to move out," says Ritchie.
Ritchie's parents have been supportive of their son's decision to move back in with them, although Ritchie's father had some concerns. "Moms has always been down with this for the most part, but pops was a little hesitant to go along with this at first," said Ritchie. "That is, until I mentioned that Pam likes to walk around the house in her negligee all morning."
"That changed his mind real fast," exclaimed Ritchie. "Like father, like son, I guess."
Al Qaeda Releases "Greatest Threats" DVD Box Set Today
In a move predicted to generate millions of dollars for their holy war against America, the radical Islamist group al Qaeda has compiled a DVD box set of some of their most chilling televised messages broadcast to date.
"All your favorites are here--Bin Laden, Zarqawi, al Zawahiri and more! If they have ever wiggled a bony index finger in the air while shouting 'Death To America,' they are on this video," stated a masked al Qaeda operative who threatened to chop off all our heads here at The Defiant Salmon if we ever revealed his true identity.
"We noticed how popular these speeches were on YouTube, and figured we would get in on the action," said the masked al Qaeda militant. "In addition, there are bloopers, outtakes, and extended rants as well on this three-disc compilation."
"One of my favorite clips on the DVD is the one where Osama's turban keeps unraveling during a recent taping. The look on his face is priceless."
Amazon.com reports that sales of the DVD set have been brisk, but also that many copies are being returned with quality issues. "Basically, it looks like these discs were all burned on a laptop in some cave in Afghanistan during a sandstorm or something," reported an Amazon employee who begged not to be identified.
"Still, we are recommending that our customers write only positive reviews for the package on our site, if they know what is good for them."
Weekend MySpace Outage Exposes Teens To A Whole New World Of "Offline" Social Networking
Millions of teens were forced to leave their homes and interact with their friends "offline" this weekend, as record temperatures caused massive power outages that crippled the popular website MySpace for more than twelve hours.
"At first I was like 'how am I ever gonna find out if anybody left me any comments on my page,' but then I realized I could just leave the house and ask for my friends' opinions of me in person," said Ashley Tiffany, a local Chatsworth cheerleader. "It was kind of neat when I discovered that."
Later on, Tiffany was seen heading off to the mall with a group of her friends, who all stared in amazement at the variety of stores and restaurants they found inside. "I guess I am just used to seeing pictures of the things that I want to buy," said Tiffany. "It is so much different when you can actually try on the clothes you like before you order them."
Teens across the Southland had similar reactions when they discovered the bowling alleys, video arcades, and swimming pools all within walking distance of their homes.
"Who knew we had all this in Chatsworth," said Tiffany. "I've gotta get out more often."
Record Heat Across America: Al Gore Heads Out On "See, I Told You So" Lecture Tour
Everywhere, United States--A record-breaking heat wave from Maine to California prompted former presidential hopeful and ersatz environmentalist Al Gore to pack up the vegetable oil-powered Mercedes limo and hit the road this weekend.
Gore plans to deliver his message in a series of televised speeches at various college campuses across the country over the next few days. The staff of The Defiant Salmon received an advance copy of the speech from one of our sources, and we present it here in its entirity:
Phew! Sure is sticky out here today. Hot enough for ya? Bet you can fry an egg on the sidewalk...
Ya know, if any of y'all had actually gone out to see my movie, you might have some idea why we are in this mess. Apparently, you'd all rather watch Johnny Depp prancing around on the silver screen doing his gay pirate routine for the second time then sit through the most important movie ever made in our lifetime once.
My movie, An Inconvenient Truth, tried to point out the connection between our wasteful ways and the gradual destruction of the environment due to global warming. But noooooo, you were all just too busy cruising off to the beaches and malls this summer in your non-renewable fossil fuel burning SUVs, while I was off building my ice fortress deep under the frozen tundra of Greenland.
So go ahead, sit in your air-conditioned dorm rooms and chat with your MySpace friends about rock music and fashion trends. But don't blame me when it all goes tits up. Because I already told you that the choices we make on a daily basis have a substantial effect on our climate. Unfortunately, none of you wanted to shell out nine bucks a couple months ago to hear me say it.
Well, all hope is not lost yet. There is still a chance for some of you. The director's cut of 'Inconvenient Truth' comes out next month on DVD. It is packed with bonus features like extended speeches and extra charts, so don't miss it.
In a bold experiment sure to send shock waves through the music industry, internet company Yahoo has released its first music download from a major record label lacking any discernible content whatsoever.
A Public Affair by Jessica Simpson is the first recording available from the popular music downloading service that has no identifiable value to any person currently living anywhere on the Planet Earth.
"We have never seen anything like this song in the history of our culture," said noted musicolgist Alto Castrato in a recent statement. "Just look at the lyrics: It's a public affair, in my underwear. Nick wants my millions, but I'm unwilling to share."
"We are unable to find a single element of the lyrical component of this piece that seems to reflect the efforts of a sane mind," said Castrato. "In addition, the musical accompaniment to this work is a hodge-podge of synthesized beeps and whirs with no cohesive theme or structure. Basically, it's a mess."
Responding by phone to these statements, Simpson was quick to point out that "I'm like really deep and stuff, ya know? Not everybody is going to understand my art."
"It may be hundreds of years 'til humans evolve to the point where they can appreciate my work," explained Simpson. "Furthermore, the lyrics reflect the experiences of a person who has lived through a sham marriage, a questionable music career completely orchestrated by their domineering father, and a failed attempt to bring the nuances of the character of Daisy Duke to the big screen."
"Seriously now--who could possibly relate to all that?"
Paris Hilton's Poor Relation To Star In NBC Reality Show
Hollywood, CA--Sources have reported that Saginaw Holiday Inn, a distant cousin of hotel heiress and socialite Paris Hilton, is slated to star in her own NBC reality show this summer.
"Just like Paris' Surreal Life, this mid-season replacement will have a similar 'fish-out-of-water' theme--only in reverse," said an unnamed NBC executive. "In this series, Saginaw will be put in unfamiliar situations, such as making reservations at a restaurant, and living in a house with furniture not made from old cable television wire spools and milk crates. It's hilarious!"
Britney Spears is already slated to star in an upcoming episode. "With the way she has been dressing and acting lately, putting her on this show is a no-brainer," said the NBC exec.
St. Petersberg, Russia--America has officially entered the ever-escalating conflict between Israel and Lebanon.
Early Monday morning, President Bush ordered the detonation of a 500-megaton "S" bomb over the city of Damascus in an attempt to convince Syria to stop supporting the Hezbollah militants in their campaign to destroy Israel.
The weapon, which inflicted little physical damage to the ancient city, did succeed in offending some Syrian sensibilities, especially those of Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah.
"As a Harvard-educated Rhodes Scholar, I am less than impressed with Bush's choice of words regarding this matter," said Sheik Nasrallah in a recent interview. "I would have expected more from a fellow Ivy-Leaguer."
Nevertheless, Bush tipped his hand at the Russian press conference by revealing further details about the stockpile of weapons at his disposal. "This is only the beginning of our attempt to shock and awe the people of Syria," boasted President Bush. "We have the aircraft carrier Megalon steaming toward your shores at this very moment, ready to unleash the destructive power of the English language on your citizenry."
President Bush has reserved the right to use the "F" bomb at a later date, but readily admits that the shock value of that weapon has diminished a bit since he started sending Dick Cheney out in public again.
Boston, MA--NBC executives announced Friday that plans were in the works to film the 1,000th episode of the popular show "Fear Factor" inside Boston's I-90 Seaport connector tunnel.
The tunnel is part of the "Big Dig" construction project, which has been going on since before the dawn of man, and is now five times over budget with no end in sight.
Monday night, a 38-year-old Jamaica Plain mother Milena Del Valle was killed in the tunnel when a three-ton slab of concrete broke loose from the ceiling and crushed her car like a grape.
"We don't really have anything special planned for the show," said NBC programming executive Les Sunvest, "we are just gonna lock six contestants inside and tell them not to look down."
San Jose, CA--Internet auction giant eBay announced Thursday that they have approved the auctioning of gasoline on their popular trading website.
"With the wild fluctuations in the price of fuel from state to state, and the expectation that costs will rise dramatically this summer due to tensions in the Middle East, we just figured the timing was right," stated eBay CEO Meg Whitman.
One of the first members to take advantage of this policy shift is Power Seller RedneckWoman27, based in Lubbock, Texas. "Fuel is a bit cheaper here in our area, so even with shipping, auction winners still save a few cents per gallon--especially if they are out in California," said the noted seller.
Elton Riggles, A local Glendale man, took it one step further yesterday by backing up a gas tanker to his house and filling his empty 18,000 gallon swimming pool with gasoline. "I figure the price is only gonna keep going up and up," said Riggles. "Soon, the contents of my pool with be worth more than my entire house. It's not so bad once you get used to the smell, and the fact that the kids are bitching all the time because they can't go swimming."
One early issue facing eBay is that some sellers are specifiying "local pickup only" on their gasoline auctions. eBay CEO Whitman says that "depending on where you live, this may defeat the purpose of the auction entirely."
Another concerned party is the postal service, who are expecting to deliver thousands of leaky, rusted-out gasoline cans to their customers over the coming weeks. "Lots of people are angry already because their mail smells like gas, and every dog on your route wants a piece of you when you show up at the house in a HazMat suit," stated a local carrier, who wished to remain anonymous.
In addition, fire departments report a rash of gas siphoning accidents in all major metropolitan areas, not to mention a rash of mysterious "swimming pool fires" in recent days...
Phil Collins Aspires To Position Of Rock’s Resident Nutbar
With the recent demise of Pink Floyd founder Syd Barrett, the rock world has started searching in earnest for another lunatic to fill the vacancy that Barrett left when he passed away this week at the age of 60.
One early contender to the throne is none other than Phil Collins, the former drummer of Genesis and eighties pop star, who has been living in a converted garage ever since his recently released comeback album failed to sell a single copy, according to Billboard Magazine.
"I don’t know why we didn’t see this earlier," stated Billboard staffer Jack Wolfman. "Just look at some of his song titles for cryin' out loud! Abacab? Paperlate? And what about Sssssudio?"
Wolfman added that "the only reason this slipped by us for so long, is that these songs are so damn catchy!"
Billboard plans to publish the results of a poll they conducted on the subject in next month’s issue. As of press time, Collins was clearly in the lead, although Terrence Trent D’arby and Cat Stevens were garnering some early support as well.
"One Red Paperclip" Guy Lands In Hospital After Bizarre Stapling Mishap
Kipling, Saskatchewan--Kyle MacDonald, the blogger who traded a single red paperclip for a two-story Canadian farmhouse, was rushed to the hospital yesterday after contracting a severe case of tetanus from a rusty staple.
While completing the paperwork to secure the title deed to his property, MacDonald realized that he had traded away his last paperclip over a year ago when he began his blogging odyssey. Instead, he reached for an old stapler, and ended up accidentally inserting the staple in the fleshy part between his thumb and forefinger.
Ironically, he had traded up for the stapler a few months back, but the staples had apparently rusted in the damp Canadian climate. MacDonald’s girlfriend, Dominique Dupuis, said that the blogger was resting comfortably at the moment, and was looking forward to moving into his new home just as soon as his fever breaks and his jaw unclenches.
"If he had just held on to that damn paperclip, he would not be in this mess," said Dupuis. "Of course, then we wouldn’t have the house either now, I guess. Funny how life is sometimes."
Update: It has recently been reported by the digg.com community that this story is possibly inaccurate. The Defiant Salmon takes great pains to validate the content of our stories, and we are looking into this matter at the present time. We thank you for your support.
Washington, DC--In a speech before Congress today, President Bush asserted his belief that he should retain the right to utilize the lion item veto regarding certain provisions contained in the bills presented to him by the legislature.
"The lion is a magnificent and regal beast; some even say he is king of the jungle," said Bush. "Still, I can't figure out what he has to do with all those tedious bills that they make me read all the time."
Cupertino, CA--In a surprise weekend press release, Apple has announced that the latest addition to their ever-expanding line of iPod mp3 players will hit stores this Tuesday.
Dubbed the iPod Uno, this miniscule music machine retails for $49, and only has the ability to hold "one, maybe two songs," according to Apple CEO Steve Jobs. "Truth is, we had a bunch of unused 10 megabyte flash memory chips left over from the Newton project, and needed to stick 'em somewhere."
The Uno model, which looks like a castrated iPod Shuffle, shares the controls of that popular player, but not the battery capacity.
"We ran out of room after using those old chips, so we are running this puppy on a single Ray-O-Vac hearing aid battery," said Jobs. "I guess you'll get about forty-five minutes or an hour tops out of it, if you don't turn it up too loud."
When Jobs was pressed on the usefulness of this product, he said that he really didn't see much use for it, personally. "They are pretty small, so I guess you can buy a couple of them if you want some song variety. Hell, I have so much money now, I could care less what we put out at this point! Waitress...where is my goddamn Mojito?"
Million Typewriter March--The Rise Of The Machines
Washington, DC-- This Independence Day, millions of unused, unloved, and basically forgotten typewriters marched in the streets of our Capitol, demanding that people find some use for them.
"We're still good for something," announced a vintage 1947 Royal Quiet DeLuxe manual portable typewriter from a makeshift podium set up at the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. "Yeah," added a sassy red '69 Olivetti Valentine, "we are getting sick and tired of living under the bed with the cat."
In a show of solidarity, half-black and half-red ribbons were tied to the trees in front of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. by a sympathetic group of Video Cassette Recorders.
"We have to stand up for our mistreated mechanical brothers," said a JVC four-head stereo unit with VCR Plus. "Who knows, one day people may have no use for us anymore. I mean, I doubt it, but it could happen..."
The march was uneventful for the most part, though an Underwood 21 machine was taken away by ambulance late in the day when she developed a case of severly sticking keys. As the day wound down, there was a slight confrontation, when a Smith-Corona Sterling taunted a businessman who made the mistake of pulling out his laptop to fire off a quick wireless e-mail.
"Just wait 'til you have one of those forms where you have to TYPE SOMETHING in triplicate in a little box in the corner," tapped the angry Sterling. "Then what are ya gonna do, Mr. High-Tech Computer Guy?"
Rochester, MN--Doctors at the Mayo Clinic have identified a disorder in this month’s issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) primarily affecting users of the popular tech-news website digg.com.
Dubbed “Obsessitive Refreshetitus,” this disorder results from the continual refreshing of pages on digg.com that some users feel compelled to after submitting a story to the fledgling social-bookmarking site.
“I might refresh a story every thirty seconds or so until it gets a ‘digg’ or ends up being buried so far down in the queue that I can’t even find it,” said unemployed Network Technician Dusty Drysol from the relative comfort of his bedroom in his parent’s converted garage.
“I really thought that the story about the dog being sued by the RIAA would catch on, but so far it has been on the site for three weeks, and has only received two diggs. Still, I visit it every couple hours or so to see if anything has changed.”
Doctors fear that all of this constant refreshing will lead to eye strain, gastric distress, and eventually leave the user with an attention span the length of a nematode. “People just need to accept that once a story is submitted, it is totally out of their hands at that point,” said Head Surgeon Pete O’Repeet.
“Refreshing the story repeatedly might make you feel better, but it will not change your ultimate outcome in life. The only person who can do that is God.”
With the phrase "Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll," MTV ushered in the era of the music video on August 1st, 1981. Although the station would not be caught dead today playing The Buggles' Video Killed The Radio Star, or any other music video for that matter, plans are still underway at the network for a gala 25th anniversary celebration next month.
"First of all, we are calling it our 15th anniversary, because even we can't believe we are that frickin' old," said Winter Bluestone, president of Viacom, the parent network of MTV. "Since our programming is aimed toward eight year olds, many of their parents weren’t even around yet when MTV began."
The network had originally planned to reunite some of the original VJs for the event, until they realized that "J.J Jackson is actually dead, Martha Quinn has disappeared off the face of the planet, and Alan Hunter looks like he could be someone's grandpappy now."
Instead, MTV plans to devote an entire half-hour to playing "classic" music videos from 50 Cent and Creed, since "we chucked most of the older videos to make room on the shelves to store more episodes of Road Rules," admits Bluestone.
Although MTV originally stood for the phrase Music Television, the network has not actually televised a single music video for well over a decade. Instead, the network is now focused entirely on reality-based programming where pre-teens are assembled together in homes and recreational vehicles, and then filmed reacting to artificial situations for our entertainment and titillation.
In addition, the network also occasionally features hard-hitting original documentaries on Spring Break hotspots, and the dangers of turning up your iPod past the maximum volume level originally set by your parents when they purchased it for you. Staff writer Marilyn Z. Carolyn remembers watching the first day of MTV programming, but swears she is only 27...
An Explosive Conversation With Digg.Com's Jay Adelson
In keeping with this week’s patriotic theme, I sat down with digg.com CEO Jay Adelson on the 4th of July to discuss the anniversary of the bicentennial, safe handling of fireworks, and his initial response to the overwhelming success of the recent "3.0" revision of his website.
In case you have been away from the Internet for a while, digg.com is a social networking/bookmarking site that applies the democratic process to the art of newsgathering. Members vote on stories submitted by other users, and the most popular items are "promoted" to the homepage of the site.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I also have to mention that I grew up with Jay Adelson on the mean streets of Detroit, MI (OK--the mean suburban streets), and our mothers used to play Mah-Jong together. Personally, I never thought he'd amount to much, but he seems to be doing just fine for himself these days!
Actually, I am breaking one of the cardinal rules of the site, by posting an interview where the responses are even funnier than my questions, but I guess I'll just have to let that slide this time...
Happy 30th anniversary of the bicentennial, Jay Adelson!
An acquaintance of mine answered the Trivial Pursuit question "What happens every 76 years?" with "The Bicentennial!" Other than revealing much about this individual's mental assets, it also reminded me how much fun we had that day in Detroit, burning things. Yes, we Detroiters do love to burn things, especially on July 4th. Hospital records will confirm that I was in the hospital for stitches or various other injuries every July 4th from 1976 though 1984. (The answer, by the way, was Haley's Comet.)
You are probably too young to remember the bicentennial, huh? Well, let me tell ya, it was a pretty darn exciting time for us Americans, by golly!
Remember it? Oh pishaw! Burning my fingers on sparklers! Lighting illegal bottle rockets aimed at the scary people's house! Parades through Southfield! Eating red white and blue EVERYTHING, even steak! How could I forget?
Anyway, I stopped by digg.com recently, and noticed you guys did a bit of spring cleaning. What is the initial response to your new "Version 3" update?
We pretend to be calm about it. The truth is, we are astounded by the success. We keep high fiving each other, like NASA mission control after a successful shuttle launch. We just crossed the 400,000 registered users mark! Huzzah!
Our new users per day went up 5-10 times, as did our pageviews and so on. We're still counting stats and will know better in a week or so how much is a spike vs. sustained, but no question our submissions per day went up by more than double! We're very happy with the results.
What has been the effect, if any, of adding non-tech related news to your site? Are you concerned about losing your core audience of tech news junkies?
You'll notice that users, submissions, and comments in the technology section have continued to climb, at even greater rates. I think leaving the default to technology was a good idea, at least for now.
Our intention is to create some cross-over community, but by and large, to protect each area as a potentially separate audience. We designed v3 to ensure that the original community could continue to operate and exist without impact, and I think we were successful.
I recently read an interesting article posted on your site that said that, as today's adults, we have fewer close friends overall and less interaction with the community than our parents' generation. Do you think social networking sites and communities like digg have any real impact on the quality of our lives away from the computer?
I'm reminded of William Shatner's hosting of Saturday Night Live, where he stood in front of a (fake) Star Trek convention audience and said, "You! Have you ever kissed a girl? You! You probably still live in your mother's basement!" Then, when confronted with the possibility of not being paid for the appearance, said something like "Sorry, that was the evil Kirk from episode 36, The Enemy Within," to large applause.
People who otherwise would not be social, whether it is because they are isolated geographically, anti-social by nature, or oppressed by other obstacles, have found online communities a fantastic way to reach out. How many marriages happen from online meetups? Computer dating services? Fan communities? I think communities like digg can enhance the social lives of many who otherwise couldn't get out there. I don't think it reduces the amount of time we spend outside, if that's what you mean...
Ultimately, the idea that people can have a neutral, fair, diverse flow of information that is global in nature, uncorrupted by giant interests such as governments or non-neutral media, is far too important to consider these impacts of whether Tommy is a little pale this summer.
Let's talk hard numbers here for a minute (if you can). How many members does digg have now, and how fast is the site growing? Does the ad revenue necessarily always keep up with the amount of growth you experience?
Well, as of this morning we're at 400365, but it's growing fast, doubling monthly at this rate (though again, I expect that to slow down to doubling every three months or so once this spike has passed).
Yes, the ad revenue keeps up, though it multiplied a bit higher than expected with the release of v3. Federated Media has been a fantastic partner to make that happen, as well as Google for text ads.
There are a whole bunch of digg clones popping up all over the place like weeds these days. Does this flatter you, or just make you angry? Do you feel like they are just cashing in on all the hard work you have done thus far, or is this just a source of validation for the concept of democratic news selection?
If someone copies digg (like Time Warner did with Netscape), that just validates our model and flatters us. I don't get angry about it at all. It does annoy me when people copy parts of our model, then prance around saying that our model doesn't work. That's just plain silly.
We know there are limitations, and we also know how to address them, through greater transparency and additional tools to empower the people to moderate the site. Also, two years of research went into our promotional algorithms, so you can't just point to a clone's failure to work properly and say, "See? Digg's concept doesn't work!" when they simply work by raw numbers of votes, without the benefit of our research and intellectual property.
Ultimately, we think there will be hundreds of clones, if not thousands. We hope to reduce these in number by offering people more customizable and personal versions of digg, so that these smaller communities can use us and our engine to achieve their goals (either directly or through an API).
What is next for digg? Any chance you will add a fake news category to the site? Because I know this great blog...
You've really inspired me. While offbeat news might work for now, I'm such a fan of sites like yours I think we should create a special section. I'll go start beating Kevin up about this immediately! For starters, I should require the staff to start watching The Daily Show prior to our staff meetings or suffer bad performance reviews.
Thank you so much for your time, Jay Adelson. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Happy 30th anniversary of the bicentennial to you and yours!
And to you, Rob Disner. Remember, for what it's worth, I beat you in Asteriods in Chatham, Ontario in 1979, even though you're older than me, and that is all that matters to an eight year old...
US Implements "Take-A-Number" Policy For Military Aggressors
Washington, DC--George Bush announced today that the rogue states of North Korea, Iran, and Syria would have to "take a number," and that the US would respond with military action as soon as it was feasable.
"As you already know, we have our hands tied at the moment with Iraq," said President Bush. "So we would appreciate you not firing missiles at our spacecraft until we have the ability to fire one back at you."
The president has not set a timetable yet for pulling the troops from Iraq, but increasing threats from other countries who also wish to engage us in military action have put additional pressure on Washington to define an exit strategy.
"They are all just going to have to get in line," stated Bush. "We have plenty more cans of Whoop-Ass waiting to be opened up on our enemies, but they are are just going to have to be a little more patient for the time being."
North Korea Calls July 4th Missile Test "An Unqualified Success"
Pyongyang, North Korea--A spokesperson for the Worldwide Official Rocket Ministry of North Korea (WORM) called last Tuesday's suprise launch of six ICBM missiles from a previously-unknown base an "unqualified success."
Kim Mah-Jong Ill-Wind, speaking in a recent press conference, confirmed that all of these rockets were pointed at US-based targets, including the Space Shuttle, The White House, and Dollywood.
The missle fired to coincide with the launch of the Space Shuttle Discovery came within 1,680 nautical miles of hitting the spacecraft. "We are proud of our efforts yesterday, and have assured our great leader that the next rocket will actually clear our beaches and at least land in the ocean," said spokesperson Ill-Wind.
One of the missiles fired off yesterday stayed aloft for 41 seconds, before exploding in mid-air directly over Pyongyang, sending shrapnel raining down on a crowded public park and a schoolyard.
"Take that, America! Next time, we expect our Taepodong 2 rocket to stay in the air for a full minute," boasted Ill-Wind. "Bet that has you all running scared."
Washington was unavailable for comment, as they were too busy laughing their asses off.
Arlington, VA--After five years of searching for terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden, the director of the CIA has concluded that "he hides too good," and as a result has called all of his operatives back to Washington.
"We have cried 'come out, come out wherever you are' numerous times, in English and in Arabic, but this guy just won't play fair," said CIA Director Hunt S. Finito in a recent press conference.
"If you remember back when we were young, there was always one kid on every block who was so good at hiding, that you eventually just gave up looking for him. Well, Osama bin Laden is like that kid."
Finito also stated that the CIA was "pretty sure" that the al-Qaeda leader was hiding somewhere along the common border of Pakistan and Afghanistan. Although, added Finito, "we haven't ruled out Kryzjkistan, or one of those other 'stans--aww, hell, we just give up, OK?"
The CIA instead plans to focus their resources from this point on toward recapturing Saddam Hussein, who put on a fresh suit and walked out of court undetected last Friday. Hussein, who was on trial for murdering half of his country, apparently told a prison guard that he left his car double-parked outside the courtroom, and that he would be right back in just a minute or two.
For those of you too young to remember, today marks the 30th anniversary of the bicentennial. Try as I might, I just can't think of a more exciting time in the history of America than the months leading up to this great event.
We had a special quarter minted, special license plates, and everything you saw was either red, white, or blue. People really got excited about the bicentennial, just as if it was the nation's birthday or some similar milestone.
It was a magical time in our history, and one we won't see again 'til the next bicentennial in 2376. Well, I don't expect many of us will get to see it at all, unless they invent some way to travel forward in time, or find a way to stop us humans from getting exactly one year older on every birthday.
This is why I propose that we have another bicentennial sometime soon. Because none of us are getting any younger. And if you remember how awesome the bicentennial was, then I don't even have to sell you on the idea. Our country needs some cheering up, and I think another bicentennial would really take out mind off our troubles.
So what do you say America? Let's call 2007 the bicentennial again. The math may be a little off, but I think this is an idea who's time has come (once again).
Burbank, CA--A spokesperson from Reprise Records confirmed that aging rocker Neil Young has been slapped with a ten million dollar lawsuit over uncleared samples used in his song "Let's Impeach The President". The song, which features snippets of speeches delivered by George W. Bush during his State of The Union addresses in 2004 and 2005, is included in Young's upcoming politically-charged album Living With War.
The record company spokesperson quoted Young as saying that he had never included samples in his work before, and that the White House press office hadn't bothered to return his calls anyway, since he was Canadian. Furthermore, Young said that he had heard somewhere that samples less than four seconds long were considered fair use and didn't need to be cleared.
MarilynCarolyn.com tried to get a direct quote from Young himself, but his manager Bernie Schmukstein stated that he was "tied up in various last-minute meetings" with the RIAA, CIA, and the Skull & Bones society all afternoon. His manager did suggest the possibility of an upcoming tour, but only mentioned that stops at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and Abu Gharib Prison in Iraq had been confirmed for Young so far.
Shuttle Astronauts "Freaking Out" Over Upcoming Launch
Cape Canaveral, FL--For the second time in as many days, the pending flight of the Space Shuttle Discovery has been scrubbed due to what NASA describes as "poor atmospheric conditions." However, sources in the field report the real reason for the delay is that the astronauts are totally freaked about their upcoming mission.
"I was just a kid when the Challenger bit it, but I remember it like it was yesterday," said Mission Commander Albert "Buzz" Elgin. "NASA keeps assuring us that they fixed the problem with the O-rings, but there are like a billion other things that can go wrong with that heap that they haven't even thought of yet."
"Tell me about it," said Payload Specialist Elizabeth West. "I just read that article in Wired that estimates our chances of dying at 1 out of 100. Hard to remain positive and upbeat when you are facing those kind of odds, isn't it?"
The five original Space Shuttles built by NASA have logged 114 missions thus far. Out of the original five, two of them, the Columbia and the Challenger have already self-destructed, taking the lives of 14 astronauts with them as well.
Additionally, should anything happen to the current crew while out in space, their only hope for rescue is the aging Space Shuttle Atlantis, which has not flown since the end of 2002, and is scheduled to be scrapped for parts within two years.
"If they are expecting the Atlantis to just blast off into space at a moment's notice and scoop us up out there, I think they are in for a rude awakening," said Commander Elgin. "It could take weeks to find a crew crazy enough to come up there after us."
"I'm bringing a couple extra jars of Tang along for the ride just in case," added Elgin. "And a parachute."
Ngorongogo, E. Africa--Due to a typo on a fan fiction website, moviegoers of all stripes are eagerly awaiting release of a PBS documentary on snakes. The film, Snakes on a Plain, narrated by veteran actor Samuel L. Jackson, examines the mating rituals, food sources, and societal structure of various sub-Saharan snake species on the Serengeti Plain.
"We have a surprising amount of interest in this project so far," says director David Ellis. "This is the first doc I have worked on that has created such a buzz, or any buzz at all, for that matter." Ellis' other films include Frogs on a Lilypad, and the Oscar-nominated short, Beavers Give a Dam.
Many thousands of posters, t-shirts, and songs have been created in unexplained anticipation of the release of this film. "These suckas are really gonna be angry when this motherf______ drops in the theaters," said the vulgar yet endearing actor Samuel L. Jackson. "The only swearing in the movie happens when the microphone boom operator gets a Garter snake up his pants leg during one scene toward the end."
Coventry, England, UK--Director Paul Greengrass has been forced to remove the recenty released film United 93 from his director's reel and resume. Apparently, this is all due to the overwhelmingly negative response he is getting from production company secretaries, mail-room clerks, and other industry screeners responsible for forwarding his promotional materials to their superiors.
"It is just too soon for me to pass along his resume to the VP in charge of Development and Acquisitions" said one lower-eschelon movie exec who wished to remain anonymous. "Just the fact that somewhere inside that envelope is the printed name of that doomed flight is enough to make my pulse race and my hands start to sweat." Greengrass, who also directed the 2002 Irish drama Bloody Sunday, is currently out of work and looking for his next project.
As recently as last week, Greengrass had to endure three solid minutes of booing before he could pitch a script idea to a well-known production company in Los Angeles. "On top of that, I had to get my own coffee and park my own damn car," said the acclaimed director. "When the valet hands you back your keys and says that he just can't bring himself to park your Jaguar yet, you know you've got trouble." Greengrass has been sensing a similar reaction from his dry cleaner, his nanny, and his daughter's piano teacher.
United 93, a low-budget recreation of the only flight hijacked on September 11th, 2001 that failed to reach its intended target, is not failing to reach its intended audience at the box office. In fact, the film is currently sitting in the number two position in the US, which makes it all the more difficult for Greengrass to keep a low profile these days.
"When I heard people were walking out during the trailer saying that it was too soon for my movie to come out, I have to say I became a bit concerned," said Greengrass. "But I never expected this to have such an impact on my ability to secure future directing gigs and to provide for my family. Guess I should start thinking about writing another "Bourne" sequel or something instead..."
Arnprior, Ontario, Canada--The head of the Canadian Artists' Rights Protectorate (CARP) reports that his organization has finally charged a college student from Saskatoon with Canada's first case of music piracy ever.
"We have been searching for evidence of this type of crime in Canada, but have been unable to detect any infringing usage of Canadian music until now," said Roy L. Mounted, the spokesperson for CARP.
Apparently, seminal Canadian bands such as Chilliwack, Men Without Hats, and Coney Hatch have failed to attract the attention of the downloading community thus far. Police Captain Mel "Mul" Muldoon states that the police even went as far as setting up a server "chock-full of mp3s" by such luminary Canadian artists as Gino Vanelli, Glass Tiger and Triumph, but nobody seemed willing to take the bait.
Captain Muldoon did mention that one file from the singer Andy Kim was accessed back in 2002, but it was quickly e-mailed back to the police with a note that read "Sorry--thought this was L'il Kim. My bad."
Nevertheless, as a strictly precautionary measure, Anne Murray and the 5 Man Electrical Band have been taken to a safehouse in an undisclosed location in Northern Canada for their own protection. "We have to guard our national treasures" said Captain Muldoon, "else we risk losing all that we Canadians hold dear to us forever."
Family Awaits Refund Of Zarqawi’s Twenty Dollar "Assault Rifle Deposit" From Bin Laden
Baghdad, Iraq—In a recent speech broadcast on Al-Jazeera television, Osama Bin Laden called on America to facilitate the "swift and safe return" of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's body and personal effects.
"We insist that George Bush complies with our demands at once. Besides, some of the items in Zarqawi's possession were issued to him by his employer, al-Qaeda, and Bush has no right to keep them," stated Bin Laden.
Furthermore, it has been reported that Zarqawi's successor is having a hard time transitioning into his new role, as Zarqawi had the key to his work-issued locker on a chain around his neck at the time of his death. "I am entitled to a few things he has in there, like his copy of the Qu'ran, and a couple of spare burkas," stated Abu Ayyub al-Masri, new leader of the Islamic militant group.
"Also, I think he had one of those wind-up emergency flashlight/radio combos, which could really come in handy as well," added al-Masri. "I've been carrying everything I need around in a backpack for the last couple months—I’m sure nobody will ever mistake me for a suicide bomber if I keep that up."
In addition to the safe return of his body, Zarqawi's grieving relatives also hope that the US will return the Kalashnikov AK-47 assult rifle issued to Zarqawi when he joined al-Qaeda in 1993.
"Osama made him put a 20 dollar deposit on that rifle, and we would like to reclaim that money for the family," stated Zarqawi's second wife Isra. "We have asked Osama to show some mercy, but he is one heartless son-of-a-Syrian-bitch when it comes to money."
Berkeley, CA--Popular social networking website MySpace.com has announced today that they have started to gradually roll out the subscription phase of their business model.
The service, dubbed MySpace Plus, will be offered to the site's 79 million unique users at an introductory cost of $9.95 a month. Subscribers to the service will enjoy faster page loading, access to unique content, and ad-free surfing for as long as they continue to pay the additional fee.
In addition, membership guarantees that the user's page will not be randomly deleted from the MySpace database, as many pages have been over the past few weeks for reasons unknown to the general public.
Another advantage subscribers will enjoy is that they will also be provided with the real names, addresses, and phone numbers of all of the "friends" displayed on their homepage. Founder Tom Anderson admits there are some privacy concerns, but also feels that this is the right time for MySpace users to move from the world of virtual friends to the world of living, breathing human ones.
"Sure, it is great to have a lot of friends listed on your homepage, but how many of them do you actually get to meet and hang out with" asked Anderson. "This way, if you are looking for something to do on a Saturday night, you can ring up one of your many MySpace pals, or just stop by their house even and see what they are up to."
Initial response to this change has been mostly favorable, though MySpace staffers notice that the ages listed in profiles have sharply trended upwards since the new service was announced. Also, many member photos have recently been removed as well from the site and replaced with ones actually taken at some point within the last decade.
Austin, MN--The Hormel Foods Corporation has issued a press release stating that they have reluctantly decided to change the name of their flagship product due to negative connotations the word "Spam" has taken on since the dawning of Internet Age.
"Spam has been with us since the great depression, but we can no longer ignore the fact that the good name of our product has been forever tarnished by internet scam artists looking to make a quick buck by filling our e-mail boxes with junk," said spokesperson Ellen Porcine from the company's Minnesota headquarters, sometimes jokingly referred to as Spam Town, USA.
The name Spam, which stands for "Steam Pressed Amalgamated Meat," was originally chosen from entries sent in during a national naming contest held in 1937.
Spokesperson Porcine said that the company was not sure whether they would hold another contest to determine the new name, or generate another one in-house. "I can tell you one thing," quipped Porcine, "whatever name we choose will be an improvement at this point."
College Student Impressed With President's Knowledge About His Personal Life
Glendale, CA--Local city college student Benjamin Roberts had the shock of his life Thursday when he retrieved a voice mail message sent from the President of the United States himself. "George Bush called to congratulate me on passing my chemistry exam, and also expressed his condolences regarding my grandmother who passed away last November," said Roberts. "In fact, he seemed to be up on all the current events in my life, including my girlfriend's recent pregnancy scare, and the fact that I was late on the payment for the Camry (again)."
Roberts can only attribute the "frightening" amount of actual knowledge possessed by the president to the fact that the NSA has been compiling a database of millions of civilian phone calls in their heavily-fortified Cheyenne Springs, WY data center. "Although I feel that my privacy has been personally violated and that we are losing freedoms granted to us by the Constitution at an alarming rate, I do appreciate the president recommending the film United 93, which I had mentioned that I wanted to see in a recent phone call to my mom."
In addition, Roberts mentioned that the president suggested that he should "take it easy" over the summer, and not sign up for the econ elective that he was considering. "I was kind of on the fence about that," stated Roberts, "but I think I am going to take the president's advice on this matter and save up the money instead for those 23" rims I have had my eye on lately for the Camry. George says that those are The Crunk!"
Environmental Impact Of Gore Film Is "Significant"
Over the weekend, hundreds of us hopped in our inefficient American cars and burned off thousands of gallons of non-renewable fossil fuels driving to the theater just to hear Al Gore tell us that we are slowly killing our planet. Gore's new film, An Inconvenient Truth, attempts to show the connection between our wasteful ways and the gradual destruction of our environment from global warming.
And as we sat in the air-conditioned theaters, munching on heavily-processed food products served on disposable styrofoam trays, the former vice president continued his attack as he lectured fellow moviegoers on ways to use the precious resources of the Earth more wisely.
During the film, a surprisingly animated Gore presents surprising animated segments that explain how the choices we make on a daily basis have a substantial effect on our climate and environment. In the process of gathering data on this phenomenon, Gore is often seen throughout the film riding around alone in gas-guzzling limousines and flying first-class in smog-belching jumbo jets as he heads off to the four corners of our globe in search of evidence to support his position.
Those who were unable to attend the film's limited release can look forward to the DVD edition, even though the environmental impact of pressing and marketing those petro-chemical based digital discs will indirectly result in the death of six polar bears, three exotic frog species, and a tree full of spotted owls.
Foster City, CA--Popular social bookmarking website digg.com recently announced that they were expanding the range of categories on their site in an attempt to incorporate stories of interest outside of the realm of technology. Here are some of the categories we may see when the site is overhauled sometime this summer:
Dungeons & Dragons Deluxe--Fans of the popular fantasy role-playing game will now be able to submit content to the site, whether they are experienced Dungeon Masters, or low-level Wraiths. With this catergory, digg.com hopes to help you get the most out of every roll of the twenty-sided dice! Advances in Metal Detecting--The community of fans of this popular hobby will sure "digg" the fact that they are now invited to submit stories on this topic! Expect to see features on discriminating against false targets, local tresspassing ordinances, and antique pulltab cleaning and identification.
American Motors Forum--Everything to help you keep your Gremlin, Matador or Pacer on the road and looking sharp!
Pocket Protectors, Fanny Packs, and Other Fashion Accessories--This category will provide up-to-date information on clothing that is both hip and functional.
Everything Old is New Again--Keep tabs on The (New) Cars, Blondie, and all of the other reformed New Wave bands currently touring the state fair and convention circuits. Some of them even feature original members!
Any categories you think we missed? Leave a comment below!
New Jersey Notary Public Selected To Lead Al-Qaeda
Trenton, NJ--Local Notary Public Elton Riggles was suprised to find a postcard in his mailbox this morning announcing he had been chosen to replace Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as the leader of the radical Islamist group Al Qaeda.
"I sent away for literature a few months back, but didn't ever expect to get a response, much less an invitation to come down to Iraq to take over," exclaimed Riggles. "I know how busy those guys are, and I am really touched by their offer."
"Just need to find someone to fill in for me on the slow-pitch softball team I play for, and I am out of here," added Riggles.
Cryptic Pleas For Help Found Inside iPod Boxes Trigger Investigation
Longhua, China--Investigators from the watchdog group Global Social Responsibility were dispatched to an electronics factory near Shanghai as reports surfaced that written pleas for help from Chinese workers were being discovered by consumers who recently purchased Apple’s popular iPod music devices.
“I picked up a 30 gig video player over the weekend, and found a strange note inside the box,” said local tuxedo salesman Billy Byers. “Fortunately, this dude at work reads Chinese, and he told me the note was basically a desperate cry for mercy from an overworked factory laborer.” Byers also added that “during prom season, we sometimes have to put in ten hour days and stay open weekends to accept returns, so I can relate to what they are going through.”
When the human rights advocates arrived on site in China, they were given an all-access pass to nearly five percent of the factory, including a day-care center and a communal bathing facility. “We didn’t actually see any workers during our visit because they were all sequestered in the basement with the lights off, but the kids sure looked like they were having fun in the nursery,” said lead investigator C. Noevelle.
Plant manager Deng Xiopung did provide sworn statements from factory workers claiming that they were being treated fairly. “We rarely have to work more that nine days in a row, and we really enjoy the convenience of living in the company-provided dormitory,” explained one worker, “even though we are forced to live there, and have to fork over half our salaries for the privilege.”
As they were getting ready to leave the factory grounds, investigators overheard the foreman shout out an uplifting message to his workers: "OK, back to work now you worthless dogs! Your more-than-generous four minute weekly break is over. These Nanos aren’t going to assemble themselves!"
Simon Cowell Creates New Reality Show To Find Replacement CEO For Microsoft
Hollywood,CA--Music mogul Simon Cowell has teamed up with Microsoft to help the software giant land a replacement for exiting chairman, founder, and CEO William Henry Gates III. The CBS mid-season replacement offering, tentatively titled "American Icon," will feature an elimination-style competition to find the next Microsoft chief.
"We are searching for contestants who are ruthless, driven, and who have the aptitude and motivation to helm one of the largest corporations ever conceived on the Planet Earth," said Cowell. "Also, it will help a lot if the guy is a complete nerd."
Cowell has been busy visiting sci-fi conventions, fantasy gaming hobby shops, and Sharper Image retail outlets hoping to round up potential successors to the Microsoft throne. "It's not going to be easy to find this guy, because I don't expect that he gets out much," quipped Cowell.
Cowell also realizes that "it will take a very special person to fill Gates' shoes." He might be right. Not everyone can steal an operating system from a competitor and make a billion dollars re-licensing it time and again to Xerox and IBM.
Evian Introduces "Glacial Melt" Premium Bottled Water
Évian-les-Bains, France--Group Danone announced today that they would be adding Evian Glacial Melt Water to their ever-expanding line of bottled water products.
Concerned about rising sea levels caused by shrinking glacier mass attributed to global warming, the company dispatched a team of scientists to the Arctic Circle last year to develop a process for capturing and bottling glacial run-off. The process involves strapping a giant sponge to the bottom of the glacier, and then removing and squeezing out the sponge into bottles when it is full.
"Sure we were concerned about the effect global warming was having on our fragile environment," said company spokesperson Pierre Boire-Beaucoup, "but the main reason we got involved with this project was that the company hated to see all that free water going to waste."
"Evian Glacial Melt is a premium water product that goes through a patented sixty-million year long aging process from glacier to table," boasted Boire-Beaucoup. "We are sure all Americans will love it once they get used to its slightly salty aftertaste."
President Bush Urges Supermarkets To Turn Over Members' Club Card Records To NSA
Washington, DC--President Bush paid a surprise visit Thursday to the National Association of Grocery Stores (NAGS) annual convention in Omaha, Nebraska. In a short statement, the president asked all major American supermarket chains to consider opening up their membership "club card" databases to the NSA.
"By analyzing purchases made by customers of these retailers, the NSA and Homeland Security hope to identify patterns consistent with terrorist activity," said Bush. "After exhaustive interviews conducted at Guantanamo Bay over the last three years, we think we now have a pretty good idea of what these fascists like to eat."
For example, traditional middle-eastern food purchases such as taboleh, hummus, or lavash bread would automatically raise a red flag. The NSA will also be looking for instances of customers purchasing food at a discount when it is at or near the expiration date.
"Your average terrorist isn't going to care if his milk expires two days from now if he is about to go out on a suicide bombing run," said NSA spokesperson Ron DeCase. "Those guys are used to living on a diet of rancid yak butter and sand fleas back home, so sour-tasting milk isn't going to phase them one bit."
Bush plans to formally announce this new policy at a White House press conference sometime next week. "Because it is difficult for terrorists to move money in and out of the country, they have a keen interest in stretching the value of a dollar, not unlike the average frugal housewife," stated the president.
"We are finding that many of these guys carry discount cards for oil changes and video rentals as well. By mining and then analyzing this type of data, we hope to get a better picture of the type of threat that we face in the future from these penny-pinching enemies of liberty."
