Record Heat Across America: Al Gore Heads Out On "See, I Told You So" Lecture Tour
Everywhere, United States--A record-breaking heat wave from Maine to California prompted former presidential hopeful and ersatz environmentalist Al Gore to pack up the vegetable oil-powered Mercedes limo and hit the road this weekend.
Gore plans to deliver his message in a series of televised speeches at various college campuses across the country over the next few days. The staff of The Defiant Salmon received an advance copy of the speech from one of our sources, and we present it here in its entirity:
Gore plans to deliver his message in a series of televised speeches at various college campuses across the country over the next few days. The staff of The Defiant Salmon received an advance copy of the speech from one of our sources, and we present it here in its entirity:
Phew! Sure is sticky out here today. Hot enough for ya? Bet you can fry an egg on the sidewalk...
Ya know, if any of y'all had actually gone out to see my movie, you might have some idea why we are in this mess. Apparently, you'd all rather watch Johnny Depp prancing around on the silver screen doing his gay pirate routine for the second time then sit through the most important movie ever made in our lifetime once.
My movie, An Inconvenient Truth, tried to point out the connection between our wasteful ways and the gradual destruction of the environment due to global warming. But noooooo, you were all just too busy cruising off to the beaches and malls this summer in your non-renewable fossil fuel burning SUVs, while I was off building my ice fortress deep under the frozen tundra of Greenland.
So go ahead, sit in your air-conditioned dorm rooms and chat with your MySpace friends about rock music and fashion trends. But don't blame me when it all goes tits up. Because I already told you that the choices we make on a daily basis have a substantial effect on our climate. Unfortunately, none of you wanted to shell out nine bucks a couple months ago to hear me say it.
Well, all hope is not lost yet. There is still a chance for some of you. The director's cut of 'Inconvenient Truth' comes out next month on DVD. It is packed with bonus features like extended speeches and extra charts, so don't miss it.
Thank you, and stay cool, America.
